Or at least I’m trying to.

As the beginning of this year is unusual for me with all these things happening at work and with friends, I decided to use a 2020 caption on photos that I post on social media

Yes I am that dorky and wait until you hear it the frigging thing.

525,600 minutes.

This not original concept is from the musical Rent, which basically counts all the minutes in a year. It also, I believe, pertains to a measure of a year of love and all things good.

I am going above and beyond my 2018 mantra of “More people, less food.” And start posting about the things that make this year full. Of memories. Of friends. Of people around me, good and bad. Of the things I am grateful for. And not just the food I am grareful for.

While romantic love is a ways away for me, I am well aware that in all other kinds, I am overflowing. My family, friends, people I’ve met, passion for things that work, fervor for things that don’t, are all factors to a year full of love that I hope will make me much more cognizant of how lucky I really am.

Gagging yet?

Honestly, I am a little bit. Who knows how long this resolve will last, but I am writing it down as a reminder to be kinder to the universe that has been kind to me.

Because i can get whiny sometimes and I know when the activity in my life dies down and I find time to process all that has gone down, I will be extra in my head about it. And that’s fine, but also I want to make sure I remember all the things that make this year what it is.

What are you doing for yourself this year?

Last weekend’s quiet in after a few weeks of ups and downs. I am grateful that I got to reset and have the first weekend of a new year, new decade with this view.

I am grateful for friends who I got to go with. And I am grateful for the opportunity to meet new ones.

There is a lot to be grateful for here. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.

What are you grateful for this week?

I have always said it, to people that think I have my ship together, I am a mess. I am. I function, and I have been called highly functioning by professionals I’ve spoken to, but when it comes to my personal life, I AM A MESS.

So when I heard this song at a friend’s SDE, I instantly connected to it. For me, it’s all about admitting you’re a mess and now taking their mess and making it yours.

My understanding is that it’s all about accepting each other’s imperfections, and loving each other for it. And I guess, that’s what I hope for in the every day. My family already knows how much of a ship I am, and the friends that have stayed and are putting up with my melodrama and mood swings are there for keeps. (Well, if they haven’t left yet, they have really tough skins)

So I guess for anyone who’s feeling a mess, and just wants someone to help hold their mess in with them, listen to this song today.

Bring me to your house

Tell me sorry for the mess

Hey, I don’t mind

You’re talking in your sleep

Out of time

Well, you still make sense to me

Your mess is mine

Belief systems are hard. They’re so fragile, that a tiny crack can break the whole foundation, because they’re built on emotions, (I believe faith is an emotion), and when those emotions are hurt, it’s so easy to just give up on the whole thing.

I mean, I was raised Catholic and I still go to mass because of my parents (I KNOW I’M 33, it’s the price of rent), but my belief system, is mostly that people are good because they want to be good, and religion can go awry really quickly, especially when money is involved.

But I’m not here to talk about religion, because the universe knows that my faith is shaky at best, but like anyone raised Catholic, when things get difficult and you’re trying to find something to look positively on, you either turn away from the practice entirely, or sink your teeth really into it.

I believe in time, the ability of friends to be around, and choosing the energy you want to be around. While I can also be a person who would hover incredibly around loved ones, I know they have limits and I, for the most part, would like to respect that as I would like my limits to be respected.

Like recently, I would rather listen and sit, rather than go around and dissect everything in conversation. There is a soothing quality to being alone together, where you don’t have to even contribute to a conversation, but just be in one space. If there are people who want to talk, I’m happy to listen, but I don’t think I’m in the right head space to be able to really want to get into things much. I would rather just lean into friends’ shoulders, get real hugs, or squeeze their hands really tightly.

What can I say, I’m a creature borne out of old 90s movies where you lie on a hammock looking up at the stars and just being.

I guess I believe in finding the right people to be with when you’re in pain, or extra happy, or angry. It’s all about absorption either way. You either share that energy, try and take that pain or anger, or soothe their happy and calm them down before they do something too extreme.

I believe in the balance of a give and take, but also to not expect that others can give what you can just because you have the energy to do so, the world is not fair, and the pain isn’t equal. I believe in patience and taking deep breaths before you want to yell, because what you’re feeling in the moment will pass. You will regret saying what you want in the heat of the emotion, and can negatively impact relationships you’ve made so much progress on.

I guess I’m not making much sense, as I said, I’m in a much more listening mood than a talking one, and that includes writing. I think I just want to yell at random things, but I’m trying to get out of overthinking, and bottling up my emotions.

I believe that there will be better days ahead. That’s what I believe in.