The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

Giving up the girl

I woke up today from a dream about shoes and dresses and outfits and it hits me, I really am a girl. Maybe it’s time I admitted it.

I’ve fought with this side of my personality ever since I could remember, chopping off my hair to a length that had people looking at my picture and declaring me a boy (True story: My mom brought a picture of me and my siblings to work and a colleague asked if she had two boys:[she has two girls and one boy]). I wore  shirts and sneakers in high school, with my only selling out point was growing out my hair and vowing to never cut it that short again as to not be mistaken as a dude again.

True I had dresses and heels and could walk in them fine. College saw a turning point, when, during the party for my eighteenth birthday, the friends that knew me from first grade sold me out and said that I actually put makeup on sometimes. College was spent in high heels and teeny bags that could fit only a notebook and my wallet, as it was the only way to express oneself outside the uniform. My hair grew to waist length. I actually had a compact in my bag (that I hid. very well.) Although oftentimes outside the uniform it was still the shirt+sneakers combination that got me through four years of commuting to my school.

Out of school and not used to dressing without a uniform started the foray into a larger world of “outfits”. From my staple shirts, pants and sneakers, I forayed into other, more girl inspired ensembles mostly influenced by seeing my friend and teammate Sarah come in to work in a different “look” everyday. She was (and still is from what I see in photos) very put together but still very casual. I loved the fact that she could still move, walk, commute and do all the things she needed to do while looking very interesting every day. She is still one of my favorite fashion inspirations, and friend to boot.

I actually read blogs that feature makeup styles, and check out lookbooks sometimes. Even had my hair permed last year. Now I mostly go to to look at the pretty vintage inspired dresses and outfits. I have a friend that is a professional makeup artist that I go to ask when I need makeup advice. My token favorite girly store is Promod for flowy fabrics and delicious prints. And even though I’m still found in my staples of shirts, pants and sneaks most of the time, I sometimes get my mom’s advice to push my fashion envelope and go the extra mile in dressing up.

I am not really a girly girl, but I’m not just a tough tomboy-ish girl anymore.

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