The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

Growing up: Getting there isn’t as easy as it looks

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. -The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky

I am quoting this book not because I am particularly enamored of it (not really), but somehow, that line sums up how I am right now, and there are just some things that some people have articulated better than you, even before you ever felt it.

I guess it’s part of growing up. Taking big steps in your life, and going through some things that you never thought you’d see yourself doing. I have to admit, I had a particularly difficult task at work this week that shook me. Not because it wasn’t the right thing to do (it was), but how it impacted how I looked at what it took to get there, and the realization that there wasn’t any going back. Due to the delicate nature of the issue, I will not expound any further but just know that it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and it will stick with me for who knows what long.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I never thought I’d be growing up this way. When I was a kid, all I thought about jobs and the like were attending to people in banks and smiling at desks while you processed their money. My father had worked in a bank and this was all I knew about the workforce, and frankly it scared the heck out of me. I couldn’t imagine myself ever keeping up that cheery demeanor and counting other people’s money for the rest of my life, and to be honest, my math skills were (and still are) passable at best.

Then the world got up and changed the way the workforce looked and felt, and the options were endless for a girl that loved words, had no idea what job she wanted, and couldn’t dress up without the help of her mother and/or sister. I had a job at one of the country’s up and coming e-commerce companies and I was happy. It was the most exciting, homey environment I could imagine there would be in a workplace. I had friends, I was in the forefront of a changing industry, and I was learning things I never thought I would. However, circumstances forced that I leave the company for something I could manage better, and I decided to force my way out of my safe cocoon and plunge into something that was quite different and certainly new.

I began to work from home. It was a big adjustment, especially since anyone and everyone I talked to thought it was something that wasn’t a “real job” and were giving me flack about just wanting to pretend I was working, but was just watching television at home. I had to admit, it took a while for me to find a niche at my company. It took a strange mix of opportunities to get me where I am today, and for the first time ever, I am beginning to really grasp what it felt to really be good at what you were doing. Suffice to say, I am still learning facets of the work everyday, and with it comes a new challenge, but for once, I am willing to take it on to succeed, not just an individual but for the whole group.

Growing up. There are sacrifices you have to make, difficult things you have to go through, but it’s all part of getting there. It will never be easy peasy if you live in the real world, and if you do, you’re never perfectly content, happy, sad, or angry. What I’m learning now is that it’s a mix of all of it.

For now it is the weekend and I, for one, am raring to enjoy it.

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