The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

To facing the worst version of yourself

I have recently been forced to deal with a horrible version of myself. A petty, unfocused, angry side that was scary and probably unpleasant at the least to deal with. I could make excuses and say I was dealing with the grief from Chunky dying, but I could just own up to it and admit that this was not just grief. It was all these things at once and instead of being the bigger person and just dealing with it, I went petty.

I did not like seeing myself like that, but in the present, I was tired, stressed, and selfish.

I tend to become selfish. It’s a trait that has not been good to me or others in my proximity. I realize I am quite spoiled by the people who I’m around most (mother, sister, boyfriend) and that kind of behavior really doesn’t fly with other people. This can be quite limiting for those people I can see without sulking or complaining at especially trying times in the week.


So what did I do when I was faced with the worst version of myself? I gave in. I went with my most selfish instincts and shut down when the time was needed to be a better person than I usually am. I asked the people around me to do my job as a decent friend. I went pretty low.


And here I am copping to it. Why? As a reminder to myself that people around me the most accommodate a lot of my bull on a daily basis so when they need help, I should be there for them and not shirk my duty as a decent human being.
I will be more grateful of the breaks and allowances people allow me to get away with, and be more considerate of others when they need the break.


Next time you need one, let me know? Bulldozer mode, on hold.




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