The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

To Friendships

I have a tendency to get attached. Have you heard of this definition of friendship? “Friendship is weird. You pick a human you’ve met and you’re like “Yup, I like this one” and you just do stuff with them.” I truly relate to this as my friendships are here and there. I have a friend that we made because instead of listening to his training us, we were worried about a Chickenjoy delivery. I have another friend I made because he dated one of my friends, and she disappeared, and he asked for help locating her. More than a decade later, he is one of my closest confidantes while I hardly speak to the friend he dated.

I have several friends who I’ve loved longer than a lot of humans have been alive, 28 years of awkwardness and phases in our lives and we’re still chuckling about who we had crushes on when we were twelve years old. (We talk about them with regret at the intensity and the length of time we were googly-eyed okay, we didn’t know better)

I talk a lot of sh*t about how friendships should be as seamless as disappearing for a year then just picking up where we left off, but honestly, I put in time with mine, and I think in the age we live in, there is no excuse not to check in every couple months with a text or a random gif to start a conversation. This reverence towards introvert behavior aside, it still takes a village to survive in this big bad world we live in.

I’ve been very lucky to have the friends I have around me, no matter how dysfunctional we can be sometimes. We talk a lot of crap about each other. We give each other a hard time most of the time but deep down, it’s a support system that SHOWS UP when you need it. I can think of a few times in the past when I’ve needed them the most and they came through for me, whether it was splitting a bottle of skeezy brandy three ways the night before Lion King (causing me to fall asleep when MUFASA DIED), or gathering to go on a tita night for food and drinks, and countless small gestures that meant a lot for my survival of another emotional car crash that I may or may not have brought on myself.

I guess I’m just again thankful for what I have. At the end of the day, even if sometimes I know I’m just along for the ride (because my friends love my sister and tolerate me) I still have an in. And my heart is full just being around them, on the floor, at a new house with no furniture yet, eating amazing food and talking nonsense.

So I guess if you’re a friend and you want to check in, I’m still pretty grateful even with the speed bumps life has dealt. It may not have been the track I thought I would be on, but it’s been a hell of a ride. (Life please don’t deal me more “bumps” this year, I’m fine with a boring life for a while).

And I guess, thank you universe for the people who have chosen to stay, because they make me who I am. Bruised, scarred, growing even rounder day to day, but one who has stories of gratitude she can tell for days, and a full belly laugh when she tells them.

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