The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

To ridiculousness and high school definitions of “love”

I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday, about a lot of things, mostly how ridiculous I’ve been lately.

And I have been ridiculous. I have let my mind wander too far, too much, and let my id take over for most of my decision making.

But that is neither here and there, and you know what? Hearing myself say all these things OUT LOUD, well, just has made me realize how absurd I’ve been. I was both there feeling the release of talking things through with other people, and also seeing it as an outsider and shaking my head at how nuts I’ve been. After I got home, i took a step back to look at things. Hopefully, soon, this gets me back to earth, and my real life.

Then one of them asked, what I did want, after we went through what i didn’t.

What’s funny is, I couldn’t say anything specific. Just looking at my dating life, there is nothing that ties each one together, outside of myself.

I know what I want out of the whole experience, (if not the guy itself) and in my mid-30s, it’s almost embarassing to admit how 16 year old, high school annoyingly wholesome my definition of love is at the moment.

Then I heard this song today, and I was like, that’s pretty hit the nail on the head really.

It’s PUBLIC’s Make You Mine. The lyrics are pretty spot on:

Well, I will call you darlin’ and everything will be okay
‘Cause I know that I am yours and you are mine
Doesn’t matter anyway
In the night, we’ll take a walk, it’s nothin’ funny
Just to talk

Put your hand in mine
You know that I want to be with you all the time
You know that I won’t stop until I make you mine

It’s very high school rom com cutie, and it oversimplifies the whole process of getting there, but for me, this thing? Finding love and all that? It’s simple when you want it to be. There’s work to be done for sure, but at the end of the day, you want to be with the person, you hold their hand, you take a walk with them sometimes and you’re theirs and vice versa.

I guess? It hasn’t worked out for me so far, and who knows how far in the future this theory of what I feel love is will be proven right or wrong. But I think, just putting it out there when things are quiet, maybe can remind me when things get crazy again. Of what I really can offer, and how I can get there.

And if it doesn’t get crazy for me, the thought at least of how it can be is enough. If not for me, but for people around me, still makes me hopeful for the concept of love.

Maybe it’s just with the 14th coming up, and all this heart talk and love stuff is affecting how much I think about this thing, when I should be getting back to more productive things like seeing my doctors. Working out. Maybe going back to boxing if I can get clearance. Contributing more to the teams at work by learning new skills.

At least I’ve heard myself out loud now, and you know what they say about realizing you have a problem is the first step? I’m taking the other steps.

What is your definition of love? And how ridiculous have you been lately?

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