Jodythinks

I don’t know how to deal with this.

I have a picture of my father’s burnt bones on a slab. And not one of just the two of us together in the past 15 years.

I’m going to tell you a specifically Filipino thing they do after they do the first firing of a cremation and before they grind down the bones to put in the urn. They offer to have you go look through and check for green bones as a symbol of luck, and I’ve seen an uncle keep some of his mom’s green bones for a while before they buried it with the rest of the urn. So after they put him in the oven and before the final processing, our family went to see what was left of him on a slab and the adults (mom and the aunts and uncles) checked for the green. My aunt told me to snap a photo, and now it’s in the group chat.

How absurd is that. What am I supposed to do with that photo, and not a single fucking one of the two of us together?

I don’t know how to deal with this.

Jodythinks · Songs to listen to

I think you should listen to Couch’s Fall Into Place today

This is some tricky territory
Too many roads for me to walk
Wears down my bones but they‘re not broken
‘Cause I‘ve got some plans for where I‘m going
Someone is twisting my right arm behind my back
And yanking them a-left

Lately I’ve been thinking about what roads we’re all walking. And it’s a little funny how we got to where we are, and if anything the universe has a perverse sense of humor. I am trying to stop analyzing why things are the way they are (because honestly sometimes I can’t quiet the thoughts in my head), and just be grateful of what I have and get to do.

What are you thinking about this week? -J

Jodythinks · Love/Life · Songs to listen to

I think you should listen to Phoebe Bridgers’s Funeral today

And I have this dream where I’m screamin’ underwater
While my friends are wavin’ from the shore
And I don’t need you to tell me what that means
I don’t believe in that stuff anymore

I need to get my head out of bad outcomes. It’s not healthy, and I can’t live in the worst case scenario. But it’s difficult not to when unthinkable things have happened when you think it was just another day. Unplanned phone calls terrify me, and the first thought that comes to me is always “Who died?” because there were at some points, and those you didn’t prepare for. So let me be wrong. Let this be scarring from past phone calls and something I can work through with my therapist. -J

Jodythinks · Songs to listen to

I think you should listen to Olivia Dean’s “OK Love You Bye” today

I didn’t mean to pick a fight
But, oh well, note to self
Four pints in, you’re someone else

If you can’t see my mirrors
Then I can’t see you

This week kept going and going in ways that made me just want to stay under the sheets and bother my rabbit. And it’s not over yet. When does being a grownup get easier? -J