What we owe

I have been thinking about the universe, and what we owe. I believe that life owes us nothing, and that we’re here for a short period of time. If that’s the case, and the universe owes us nothing, does that mean we owe it zero too?

Raised Catholic, I’ve always been told that while we’re owed nothing, we owe everything to an ever knowing, powerful being that created us out of nothing. And while I am not atheistic at this point, I don’t think we can reduce a singular being to teachings by flawed, self-serving men in the beginning of time who had the influence to be able to contribute to a book that can’t be questioned or reinterpreted.

I am not here for a religious debate, but rather, to pose a moral question. If life owes us nothing, and we owe it nothing, then what’s the point? Who even measures this exchange? What are we here for? If we’re here to serve and we die before we have the chance to, or are unable to because we are inequipped physically, financially, or morally to do so, does that mean we’ve fked up? Or is it jut a luck of the draw? If you know more, are you luckier than the ones who can freely do morally bankrupt things because they aren’t able to grasp the extent of the damage they’re dealing?

I’m going round in circles. I’m lost. What is the be-all and end all goal of humanity? Is it to be successful? What is the measure of success? And if it’s not success, then what is it? To marry, have kids and continue the species? What if you’re incapable of that? Aren’t there already too much people in the world to still think like this? Is having progeny even moral at this point with a dying planet? And if it’s to love, what if it never works out for you, and you never have the chance to do this, are you a failure as a person?

I am asking more questions that I have the answers to, and honestly, I am not sure I can spin this positively to end. Since I have roughly 40 more years to navigate and no fking idea how to do it, I am asking for your help. Because sometimes it’s too damn hard trying to see years into the future, and I’ve stopped trying to plan for more than a year in advance.

Do you know what we’re here for? Can you tell me?

I think you should listen to Rihanna’s Love on the Brain today

I’ve been thinking too much about work lately. And it shows, even conversations with friends/family are spent discussing ideas I have been working on, and I am back to working in my offline hours.

I am trying not to, still afraid of burning out, and the last time it didn’t really work out well for me.

But hey, I know I can stop when I can and if I should, who knows? For now, it’s working, and I will find other ways to occupy myself outside of work.

But I digress.

I have had this song on repeat for a bit this morning, and here’s what I think, sometimes, it’s not so bad to go nuts about something, and if it’s love, then good for you.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

If it’s too practical, or it doesn’t keep you thinking about them, or you wanting them a bit too much, then maybe you’re not doing this right. There’s a little comfort in the madness of wanting someone so badly that your brain can’t stop about them.

Or maybe I’m just nuts and have watched too much movies where insanity over love works out, instead of the stuff where in reality, it doesn’t. My reality is so different, but who knows what the future holds? I kind of like not knowing, and have stopped trying to plan that part of my life. I’ve spent so much of my adult life trying to do that and it takes too much of a toll when stuff doesn’t go as planned.

But again, I hope today you have someone that makes you want to go black and blue, but doesn’t really push you over for that to actually happen.

Listen to the song here: https://youtu.be/0RyInjfgNc4

I think you should listen to Gordi’s Something Like This today

Mondays are always a mix for me. It feels like a slow start, but also a quiet one. Like a foggy sunrise, or staring at a drip filter on my first coffee.

I’m still on my To All the Boys playlist, and the song that’s on loop this morning is Gordi’s Something Like This. It feels like a Monday morning for me, quiet, hopeful, but also a little bit pensive. The lyrics that hit me today are from the first verse:

Take my eyes, but take it slow
And my demise is finding home
And someone’s questions can you know
That people are looking for something
They think they lost long ago

And when the heat blows over from my head now
And I see you’re holding all of me together now
For all those hours I waited for nothing

I wanted something like this

Honestly, I don’t know what this is yet. But that’s not what’s on my mind yet. There’s so many things to do, and my life, a long way to go. I don’t want to hurry anything, and from what I’ve seen, I have a ton of time to do it.

I guess that’s what I’m trying to say today to myself too, to stop being impatient all the time, and wanting things to move faster. That has made me lose before, and it’s not like getting more hurried will help. Maybe it’s the melancholy of a Monday, but I’m hoping to slow things down enough for me to breathe a little easier with everything I’m involved in.

So listen to the song here and start your week a little slower. I know I will.

What is your Monday sounding like?

I think you should listen to Kanye West’s Runaway tonight

I’ve always had a soft spot for vintage Kanye. More than I care to admit now that he’s gone full batshit crazy. Or I guess that’s the brand now? And this song just feels right for a Saturday night after a long week of having to deal with too much.

His lyrics sometimes really hit you in the heart, and before, the first few verses were the favorite. Sharing toasts for the jerkoffs and the scumbags just feel right for a night out. But maybe tonight these just feel a little bit more apt:

Never was much of a romantic,

I could never take the intimacy.

And I know I did damage,

‘Cause the look in your eyes is killing me,

I guess you knew in an advantage

‘Cause you could blame me for everything.

I mean, in as much as I write all this stuff, I have a tendency to stay away from intimacy. It’s just easier to walk away from now, and I can blame all my baggage, but really, now it’s mostly me.

(Hey that rhymed, poetry after skeezy drinks? Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead.)

Listen to Kanye here: https://open.spotify.com/track/3DK6m7It6Pw857FcQftMds?si=gm4YtVU9SNqXsMtWjXM3tg

What are listening to tonight?

I think you should listen to Sara Bareilles’s cover of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road today

Here I am again with my strings. I think music is made so much better with an orchestra, and while I usually am not a fan of covers, this one has been on loop all day.

And it’s been on my mind lately, wanting to go back to a simpler life. It’s been complicated lately, in some parts and thinking about leaving it all behind can be tempting.

When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man

You know you can’t hold me forever
I didn’t sign up with you
I’m not a present for your friends to open

So listen to this today, for when you need to think about leaving all the hard parts of your life for something simpler.

I think you should listen to Chad Valley’s Shell Suite today

Sometimes you just need to get away, and I feel like my body is just itching for a change of scenery, of new things. My tendency to just fall back into routine is so sensibly adult that it’s almost funny.

Even with music, I tend to repeat things, albums, songs, until I get sick of it. This song is one of them. For a time I listened to this, and the rest of the Warm Bodies soundtrack constantly, on repeat. Then after a bit I couldn’t listen without shaking my head.

But now I’m back to the loop.

Been packing all night long to get ready for some fun
And you go and you go evermore
I hate feeling in control
I want someone else’s role
But I’m here and I’ll do anything

Together this is a heart attack
I’m gonna get off in a sec

But for now I’m having way too much fun

I guess I should be looking more towards new things, but for now, in my cocoon, I will put this on repeat.

Listen to the song here: https://youtu.be/ty1KJuG0i_k

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I think you should listen to Anna North’s Lovers today

I have to admit how much I like To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. I have written about the movie before, and I watched the sequel as soon as it came out.

One of my favorite things about the movies are the soundtracks. They are great background music that will keep you engaged but not distracted.

My second favorite from the first movie is Anna North’s Lovers. It actually reads like a breakup song but it’s just so catchy.

I’m in the dark

Show a little loving

Shine a little light on me

It’s a chill song, and honestly, it just brings me back to that scene and those looks, that are pretty PG 13 and is something a 30 something shouldn’t be this connected to, but hey, there really is something to that chemistry.

What song is your background noise today?

To ridiculousness and high school definitions of “love”

I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday, about a lot of things, mostly how ridiculous I’ve been lately.

And I have been ridiculous. I have let my mind wander too far, too much, and let my id take over for most of my decision making.

But that is neither here and there, and you know what? Hearing myself say all these things OUT LOUD, well, just has made me realize how absurd I’ve been. I was both there feeling the release of talking things through with other people, and also seeing it as an outsider and shaking my head at how nuts I’ve been. After I got home, i took a step back to look at things. Hopefully, soon, this gets me back to earth, and my real life.

Then one of them asked, what I did want, after we went through what i didn’t.

What’s funny is, I couldn’t say anything specific. Just looking at my dating life, there is nothing that ties each one together, outside of myself.

I know what I want out of the whole experience, (if not the guy itself) and in my mid-30s, it’s almost embarassing to admit how 16 year old, high school annoyingly wholesome my definition of love is at the moment.

Then I heard this song today, and I was like, that’s pretty hit the nail on the head really.

It’s PUBLIC’s Make You Mine. The lyrics are pretty spot on:

Well, I will call you darlin’ and everything will be okay
‘Cause I know that I am yours and you are mine
Doesn’t matter anyway
In the night, we’ll take a walk, it’s nothin’ funny
Just to talk

Put your hand in mine
You know that I want to be with you all the time
You know that I won’t stop until I make you mine

It’s very high school rom com cutie, and it oversimplifies the whole process of getting there, but for me, this thing? Finding love and all that? It’s simple when you want it to be. There’s work to be done for sure, but at the end of the day, you want to be with the person, you hold their hand, you take a walk with them sometimes and you’re theirs and vice versa.

I guess? It hasn’t worked out for me so far, and who knows how far in the future this theory of what I feel love is will be proven right or wrong. But I think, just putting it out there when things are quiet, maybe can remind me when things get crazy again. Of what I really can offer, and how I can get there.

And if it doesn’t get crazy for me, the thought at least of how it can be is enough. If not for me, but for people around me, still makes me hopeful for the concept of love.

Maybe it’s just with the 14th coming up, and all this heart talk and love stuff is affecting how much I think about this thing, when I should be getting back to more productive things like seeing my doctors. Working out. Maybe going back to boxing if I can get clearance. Contributing more to the teams at work by learning new skills.

At least I’ve heard myself out loud now, and you know what they say about realizing you have a problem is the first step? I’m taking the other steps.

What is your definition of love? And how ridiculous have you been lately?

I hope you find a view like this today.

While January has read like the book of Revelation (this is what growing up Catholic gets you, scary bible references) and it seems like February is going to continue being difficult for all of us involved. I do think we have to make our own little moments of joy and/or quiet when we can.

This weekend has been a great reset, to remember there is still quiet in a perpetually noisy world. While this may not be the prettiest view, and we had to plan the crap out of everything we did, I’m glad to have been part (maybe I planted the idea and everyone else ran with it? Who knows?) of it.

So when you can, grab a pocket of joy and/or quiet when you can. It doesn’t have to be a beach, if you prefer a river, or a mountain, or a rooftop bar, then do that. We deserve it, I think, for surviving.

Where do you go to reset?

I’ve been thinking about sincerity.

I really should stop drinking alcohol with caffeine, or maybe I should stop drinking altogether.

Or maybe someone in this damn room should be awake with me, but really I may just be jealous that everyone is snoozing away. And no one is conscious! to listen to half alcohol/half caffeine thoughts in the middle of the night.

But as always, I digress.

I’ve been thinking about sincerity. How rare a commodity it is, that every now and then, you have to wonder how people really are, and who really is sincere.

Because you see, I’m pretty bad at gauging sincerity. This is perhaps a major flaw in the work I’m in, but there it is.

I would like to believe that true connections are hard to create. When you’re in a space where the whole idea is to network towards an end goal, and hear people strategize how to do it, it’s a little unnerving to hear people to recommend using personal tidbits and/or a commonality to hook someone in.

I guess my stomach still needs to gain more steel than it’s currently encased in (flab, mostly) for me to survive in this industry, but honestly, I’d just like to be able to separate actual kindred from those who are just good at networking.

How do you gauge sincerity?