As a sometime girl, I truly understand the power of retail therapy, and the happiness of finding the perfect shoes to go with the dress you’ve had in your closet for ages but can’t seem to wear. How pretty prints seem even prettier when you try them on and they actually look good on you.

However, as a fairly bulky girl, and a year round tan in my late 20s, I know my limitations. So please stop me should I attempt to wear the following:

1. High waisted shorts:

With an ample booty and womanly thighs, these reincarnation of mom jeans will only make me look like I gave birth three times over. And cutoffs, really? I’m 27. Cutoffs with strings hanging down from them should have an age limit if you’re not 5’11 and 125lbs.

2. Drop crotch pants:

As a 90s kid, these still resonate as hammer pants. And no, I can’t and I won’t touch those.

3. Cropped tops:

Because it’s been a decade since I’ve had a flat stomach. My muffin top will stay inside its lining thankyouverymuch.

 

4. Heeled sneakers:

One, they’re expensive (this one costs $89.97). Two, they’re wedges (I am not a fan of wedges). Three, they’re sneakers you can’t run in. Four, these need sky high legs to pull them off. They’re pretty, but thanks, no thanks.

5. Fringe

While fringe has been here since the 1920s and actually can be very classy, I would feel too much like a broom.

 

6. Clogs

Pricey bakya. Nuff said.

7. Rompers

Nevermind that they’d be hard to pull off, but for a person that constantly needs to pee, this would be a nightmare.

 

To be fair, the fashion trends I’ve posted look amazing on people that can pull them off. I think with enough panache, confidence, and an IDGAF attitude, people can pretty much wear anything and have it look good. But I myself am 27 and have worn crazy trends the past decades that I’ve come to regret when flipping through albums, and don’t have the patience to suck my gut in for four hours, etc, etc.

Not really a “problem”, but we’ve all been pretty laden with heavy stuff these past two weeks, and figure, a post about something light can’t hurt. Here’s to fashion that looks good, and me knowing when to stop.

But then again, I am a glitter girl, so when I pile on the sparkle, just avert your eyes.