The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

On inner demons

Kate Spade, designer of bags and apparel that I’ve loved for years died by suicide yesterday. She was a multimillionaire, had a husband of 24 years, and a daughter, and she had inner struggles. I am very sad to know this, as her talent, her ability to share the beauty in the world is now lost, and now her family and friends also have to deal with her loss.

It only goes to show that no matter how shiny a life looks on the outside, the inside can be quite different. I am not blaming her for her struggles, only feeling sad that she had to go through them. Many people are struggling with their inner demons, and sometimes even getting up is difficult, and sometimes it’s hard just asking for help. The strongest people on the outside can be the most to struggle on the inside, this I am uncomfortably familiar with.

I’d like to come clean that I struggle too sometimes. When that inner voice is screaming. When you just want to crawl into bed and not deal with the day. However hard it is, I do my best to get up and get going. Some days it’s harder, some days it’s easier. You can be in a room full of people who love you and still be broken, and sometimes you just need to squeeze someone’s hand and you’re okay. Sometimes you’re overwhelmingly happy too. It’s okay to be broken and to feel it. It’s okay to want to strive to get through it. It’s okay.

If you’re struggling yourself and want to get help, there are people who can get you through it. If you feel like you need professional assistance, there’s the Philippine Mental Health Association or if you’re feeling at the end of your rope, the Philippine Suicide Hotline. There is no shame in asking for outside help, and if anything, emotional well being is something we need to recognize as a real concern for people at all walks of life. Conversations are more open now to the struggle, and we’re dealing with it as less of an abnormality but more of a reality. But we’ll always, always find a way through it.

If you feel like you can’t, let someone, anyone know. Don’t go through it alone. Your inner voice isn’t the most forgiving and you need to be able to forgive yourself when it feels like it’s too much to deal with. Don’t let the bad win.


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