The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

What do you believe in?

Belief systems are hard. They’re so fragile, that a tiny crack can break the whole foundation, because they’re built on emotions, (I believe faith is an emotion), and when those emotions are hurt, it’s so easy to just give up on the whole thing.

I mean, I was raised Catholic and I still go to mass because of my parents (I KNOW I’M 33, it’s the price of rent), but my belief system, is mostly that people are good because they want to be good, and religion can go awry really quickly, especially when money is involved.

But I’m not here to talk about religion, because the universe knows that my faith is shaky at best, but like anyone raised Catholic, when things get difficult and you’re trying to find something to look positively on, you either turn away from the practice entirely, or sink your teeth really into it.

I believe in time, the ability of friends to be around, and choosing the energy you want to be around. While I can also be a person who would hover incredibly around loved ones, I know they have limits and I, for the most part, would like to respect that as I would like my limits to be respected.

Like recently, I would rather listen and sit, rather than go around and dissect everything in conversation. There is a soothing quality to being alone together, where you don’t have to even contribute to a conversation, but just be in one space. If there are people who want to talk, I’m happy to listen, but I don’t think I’m in the right head space to be able to really want to get into things much. I would rather just lean into friends’ shoulders, get real hugs, or squeeze their hands really tightly.

What can I say, I’m a creature borne out of old 90s movies where you lie on a hammock looking up at the stars and just being.

I guess I believe in finding the right people to be with when you’re in pain, or extra happy, or angry. It’s all about absorption either way. You either share that energy, try and take that pain or anger, or soothe their happy and calm them down before they do something too extreme.

I believe in the balance of a give and take, but also to not expect that others can give what you can just because you have the energy to do so, the world is not fair, and the pain isn’t equal. I believe in patience and taking deep breaths before you want to yell, because what you’re feeling in the moment will pass. You will regret saying what you want in the heat of the emotion, and can negatively impact relationships you’ve made so much progress on.

I guess I’m not making much sense, as I said, I’m in a much more listening mood than a talking one, and that includes writing. I think I just want to yell at random things, but I’m trying to get out of overthinking, and bottling up my emotions.

I believe that there will be better days ahead. That’s what I believe in.

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