I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday, about a lot of things, mostly how ridiculous I’ve been lately.

And I have been ridiculous. I have let my mind wander too far, too much, and let my id take over for most of my decision making.

But that is neither here and there, and you know what? Hearing myself say all these things OUT LOUD, well, just has made me realize how absurd I’ve been. I was both there feeling the release of talking things through with other people, and also seeing it as an outsider and shaking my head at how nuts I’ve been. After I got home, i took a step back to look at things. Hopefully, soon, this gets me back to earth, and my real life.

Then one of them asked, what I did want, after we went through what i didn’t.

What’s funny is, I couldn’t say anything specific. Just looking at my dating life, there is nothing that ties each one together, outside of myself.

I know what I want out of the whole experience, (if not the guy itself) and in my mid-30s, it’s almost embarassing to admit how 16 year old, high school annoyingly wholesome my definition of love is at the moment.

Then I heard this song today, and I was like, that’s pretty hit the nail on the head really.

It’s PUBLIC’s Make You Mine. The lyrics are pretty spot on:

Well, I will call you darlin’ and everything will be okay
‘Cause I know that I am yours and you are mine
Doesn’t matter anyway
In the night, we’ll take a walk, it’s nothin’ funny
Just to talk

Put your hand in mine
You know that I want to be with you all the time
You know that I won’t stop until I make you mine

It’s very high school rom com cutie, and it oversimplifies the whole process of getting there, but for me, this thing? Finding love and all that? It’s simple when you want it to be. There’s work to be done for sure, but at the end of the day, you want to be with the person, you hold their hand, you take a walk with them sometimes and you’re theirs and vice versa.

I guess? It hasn’t worked out for me so far, and who knows how far in the future this theory of what I feel love is will be proven right or wrong. But I think, just putting it out there when things are quiet, maybe can remind me when things get crazy again. Of what I really can offer, and how I can get there.

And if it doesn’t get crazy for me, the thought at least of how it can be is enough. If not for me, but for people around me, still makes me hopeful for the concept of love.

Maybe it’s just with the 14th coming up, and all this heart talk and love stuff is affecting how much I think about this thing, when I should be getting back to more productive things like seeing my doctors. Working out. Maybe going back to boxing if I can get clearance. Contributing more to the teams at work by learning new skills.

At least I’ve heard myself out loud now, and you know what they say about realizing you have a problem is the first step? I’m taking the other steps.

What is your definition of love? And how ridiculous have you been lately?

While January has read like the book of Revelation (this is what growing up Catholic gets you, scary bible references) and it seems like February is going to continue being difficult for all of us involved. I do think we have to make our own little moments of joy and/or quiet when we can.

This weekend has been a great reset, to remember there is still quiet in a perpetually noisy world. While this may not be the prettiest view, and we had to plan the crap out of everything we did, I’m glad to have been part (maybe I planted the idea and everyone else ran with it? Who knows?) of it.

So when you can, grab a pocket of joy and/or quiet when you can. It doesn’t have to be a beach, if you prefer a river, or a mountain, or a rooftop bar, then do that. We deserve it, I think, for surviving.

Where do you go to reset?

I really should stop drinking alcohol with caffeine, or maybe I should stop drinking altogether.

Or maybe someone in this damn room should be awake with me, but really I may just be jealous that everyone is snoozing away. And no one is conscious! to listen to half alcohol/half caffeine thoughts in the middle of the night.

But as always, I digress.

I’ve been thinking about sincerity. How rare a commodity it is, that every now and then, you have to wonder how people really are, and who really is sincere.

Because you see, I’m pretty bad at gauging sincerity. This is perhaps a major flaw in the work I’m in, but there it is.

I would like to believe that true connections are hard to create. When you’re in a space where the whole idea is to network towards an end goal, and hear people strategize how to do it, it’s a little unnerving to hear people to recommend using personal tidbits and/or a commonality to hook someone in.

I guess my stomach still needs to gain more steel than it’s currently encased in (flab, mostly) for me to survive in this industry, but honestly, I’d just like to be able to separate actual kindred from those who are just good at networking.

How do you gauge sincerity?

Or at least I’m trying to.

As the beginning of this year is unusual for me with all these things happening at work and with friends, I decided to use a 2020 caption on photos that I post on social media

Yes I am that dorky and wait until you hear it the frigging thing.

525,600 minutes.

This not original concept is from the musical Rent, which basically counts all the minutes in a year. It also, I believe, pertains to a measure of a year of love and all things good.

I am going above and beyond my 2018 mantra of “More people, less food.” And start posting about the things that make this year full. Of memories. Of friends. Of people around me, good and bad. Of the things I am grateful for. And not just the food I am grareful for.

While romantic love is a ways away for me, I am well aware that in all other kinds, I am overflowing. My family, friends, people I’ve met, passion for things that work, fervor for things that don’t, are all factors to a year full of love that I hope will make me much more cognizant of how lucky I really am.

Gagging yet?

Honestly, I am a little bit. Who knows how long this resolve will last, but I am writing it down as a reminder to be kinder to the universe that has been kind to me.

Because i can get whiny sometimes and I know when the activity in my life dies down and I find time to process all that has gone down, I will be extra in my head about it. And that’s fine, but also I want to make sure I remember all the things that make this year what it is.

What are you doing for yourself this year?

Last weekend’s quiet in after a few weeks of ups and downs. I am grateful that I got to reset and have the first weekend of a new year, new decade with this view.

I am grateful for friends who I got to go with. And I am grateful for the opportunity to meet new ones.

There is a lot to be grateful for here. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.

What are you grateful for this week?

I have always said it, to people that think I have my ship together, I am a mess. I am. I function, and I have been called highly functioning by professionals I’ve spoken to, but when it comes to my personal life, I AM A MESS.

So when I heard this song at a friend’s SDE, I instantly connected to it. For me, it’s all about admitting you’re a mess and now taking their mess and making it yours.

My understanding is that it’s all about accepting each other’s imperfections, and loving each other for it. And I guess, that’s what I hope for in the every day. My family already knows how much of a ship I am, and the friends that have stayed and are putting up with my melodrama and mood swings are there for keeps. (Well, if they haven’t left yet, they have really tough skins)

So I guess for anyone who’s feeling a mess, and just wants someone to help hold their mess in with them, listen to this song today.

Bring me to your house

Tell me sorry for the mess

Hey, I don’t mind

You’re talking in your sleep

Out of time

Well, you still make sense to me

Your mess is mine

Belief systems are hard. They’re so fragile, that a tiny crack can break the whole foundation, because they’re built on emotions, (I believe faith is an emotion), and when those emotions are hurt, it’s so easy to just give up on the whole thing.

I mean, I was raised Catholic and I still go to mass because of my parents (I KNOW I’M 33, it’s the price of rent), but my belief system, is mostly that people are good because they want to be good, and religion can go awry really quickly, especially when money is involved.

But I’m not here to talk about religion, because the universe knows that my faith is shaky at best, but like anyone raised Catholic, when things get difficult and you’re trying to find something to look positively on, you either turn away from the practice entirely, or sink your teeth really into it.

I believe in time, the ability of friends to be around, and choosing the energy you want to be around. While I can also be a person who would hover incredibly around loved ones, I know they have limits and I, for the most part, would like to respect that as I would like my limits to be respected.

Like recently, I would rather listen and sit, rather than go around and dissect everything in conversation. There is a soothing quality to being alone together, where you don’t have to even contribute to a conversation, but just be in one space. If there are people who want to talk, I’m happy to listen, but I don’t think I’m in the right head space to be able to really want to get into things much. I would rather just lean into friends’ shoulders, get real hugs, or squeeze their hands really tightly.

What can I say, I’m a creature borne out of old 90s movies where you lie on a hammock looking up at the stars and just being.

I guess I believe in finding the right people to be with when you’re in pain, or extra happy, or angry. It’s all about absorption either way. You either share that energy, try and take that pain or anger, or soothe their happy and calm them down before they do something too extreme.

I believe in the balance of a give and take, but also to not expect that others can give what you can just because you have the energy to do so, the world is not fair, and the pain isn’t equal. I believe in patience and taking deep breaths before you want to yell, because what you’re feeling in the moment will pass. You will regret saying what you want in the heat of the emotion, and can negatively impact relationships you’ve made so much progress on.

I guess I’m not making much sense, as I said, I’m in a much more listening mood than a talking one, and that includes writing. I think I just want to yell at random things, but I’m trying to get out of overthinking, and bottling up my emotions.

I believe that there will be better days ahead. That’s what I believe in.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. These days, I can’t sleep for more than 2 hours straight. My head is overfilled and at the same time feels like it’s been drained of any sense whatsoever.

I have been dealing with this with song, songs too old to even make sense, and some that have already been through this with me. Early 2000 hits that somehow, are hitting the nail on the head too much sometimes, from Keane, to John Mayer, to Urbandub’s angstiest hits.

I can’t exactly call myself angsty, or pensive, or anything like that. I think, I will let other, more eloquent people put it better, and say unsteady.

So maybe I’ve been listening to X Ambassador’s Unsteady too much, and it doesn’t really say much, but it feels like the right fit.

Hold on

Hold on to me,

Cause I’m a little unsteady

A little unsteady

I really am trying to be better at getting out of my head about my life right now, but I find myself just singing out loud.

I am unsteady and it’s a bitch to admit it right now when you’re trying to reset into a new year, facing these things positively, and bringing that energy into yourself, but maybe it’s not so bad admitting wobbly knees and shaking hands. Until I find myself in better footing myself, I will be unsteady.

It’s Christmas day now, and some of us are still sleepy, some of us are hungover, some of us have gone back to the realities of adulthood. I am lying down and can’t turn my mind off, even if I only got 4 hours of sleep.

Last night, we could hardly fit in the living room and again, we got super noisy during the raffle. There are more and more gifts to be gotten and given as new families join in, and the kids who now have jobs are continuing the tradition of giving out their own gifts.

As usual we ate too much all day. I didn’t feel hunger the whole time I’ve been here. If love could be measured by the feeling of fullness, no one can accuse us of not loving one another.

Right now, kare kare and grilled lamb are being prepared for a lunch that’s 2 hours after the belated breakfast because people finished drinking at 4 am.

You should’ve been here Nanay, only banana wasn’t here, all your grandkids were here to celebrate, the first time we’ve been this complete in a while.

I wish you would have been here. It’s not the same, and I miss leaning on you or asking how pretty you feel today.

I know you’re good up there, and we’re good here too, but it’s just different.

So Merry Christmas Nay, and I hope you’ve got good stories up there, I’ll ask for all of them when we see each other again.