Lately, when faced with silence, my head plays the bars of this song. Loudly. Over and over.
You start a conversation you can’t even finish it You’re talkin’ a lot, but you’re not sayin’ anything When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed Say something once, why say it again?
When things are out of your control, what do you do? I think I try to change something. In this case now, I’ve been fixating on painting. I saw something that said accent frames and I thought I could do pink, and I painted my doorframes and some shelves pink. But it turned out too pink and I had to paint it over. It took me three weeks to pink a different accent color, which, because it was matte and very dark compared to my current very white interiors, look like someone finger painted my spaces.
I know I can hire someone to do this, but for now, I like figuring it out. Am I getting better? No. If anything now there are 20 layers of shitty paint where there wasn’t really an issue before that. Maybe this is a metaphor for my life. Let’s hope I can focus this energy on just trying to work out instead.
I’m just going to listen to my song of the moment for now.
Maybe I, maybe I just think All he needs is a little something Maybe that little something’s me Maybe I’ll be his exception And I’ll never be the same Maybe I, maybe I could change him Unless he doesn’t want to change
I’ve been writing down things a lot. Trying to make sense of my life and what I want to do with this year. An unexpected turn of events has thrown me by a lot. But I’ve gone through harder things, and have all the tools to get to a better path. Although right now, I’m still in the wallow stage, burning through my sugar allotment for the year in a week, and hoping like hell I don’t need to do any blood tests soon.
I’m finished praying for your downfall I can’t keep begging for what I lost And cursing tough love from a good God Keep whistling, boy, I was never your dog But I’m done praying for your downfall
With everything that’s happening in the world today, I’m either feeling like I’m drowning or taking more risks under the excuse of fuck it, we ball. Which is a much less filtered version of the Life is Short mantra I’ve used since we lost our friend Josh. This song by Emily James feels like it.
If you make me bleed That’s alright, honey, I’ll live Let’s make believe We’ll ever be the same again Loading that gun, pretending we’re innocent Over my head, under the influence
This may just be the sugar crash talking, but I feel like crap. I eat bags of sugar and other unhealthy snacks, my mouth is worn away by the acid in the candy, and i feel fuzzy.
So let’s just listen to Jensen McRae.
We don’t talk about the heavy Am I even in your plans? If I have your heart forever Can I have this dance, can I have this dance?
