The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain

So I’ve been thinking about chemistry

And it’s not really about chemistry in the romantic sense, but mostly how my brain responds to things. I mean, I’ve made a ton of questionable decisions because my brain decided, “Dude, we want this.”. It floods my system with the chemicals to make my pulse quicken, my breath shorter, and even with the quietest voice in the back of my head trying to lead me into the path of self preservation, the chemicals keep winning.

It’s the same ones that always lets the ID win. I am an impatient, short tempered, dickish person when I don’t get my way (outside of work), and when something I want won’t get to me fast enough. It has led me to a lot of disagreements with people who have a lot more sense than I do. It has led me to get hurt more times than I would like.

Chemistry has fucked me over a lot. Even when I know, deep down, the right path, in the moment, I don’t really care, because the possibility of a dopamine boost is right now. Because I use so much of my time at work figuring out the least painful way to do things, the fact that I will usually just say “fuck it” and move me to ultimately pursue things (and friends, or incredibly intelligent, attractive, emotionally unavailable men) that will lead to also the shortest path to a hard crash is pretty damn annoying.

There really isn’t a big thought process here, more of admitting that the more I try to justify my choices, the less it’s going to make sense to others. But really, who’s looking?

And really, a lot of these bad decisions have led me to where I am, and to what I hope, is a life that can be considered fairly lived. And with everything that’s going on — I think I’m okay with that right now.

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