Dear Nanay,

I was thinking of you last night. I was watching this show that I was watching right around your passing, of a grandma that had a stroke but survived. This season had a lot of content around her bucket list and they got to cross off a lot for her this season.

I cried because there was so much more I wanted to experience with you. I asked you last year how to cook your famous lengua, and you told me you pre-fried each piece so it wouldn’t get soggy. I wanted to cook it with you supervising so you could correct me on how it HAD to be done. And maybe show me the real secrets to why your lengua was so good.

Food and love I will always relate to you because you taught us all that. Mom knew and passed it on. I have come to realize that I cook for the people I care for and love. It’s how I say what I feel and make sure they’re taken care of.

There is so much more to you though than food. You’re tough. The story about you, Tatay and the itak over the bridge will always resonate with me of your strength and not taking crap from anyone, even your husband. Who, at the time was supposed to be lord and master of the household. You were able to stretch budgets to feed not only your kids but all their friends. You raised four kids. You were a teacher too.

I feel like there’s so much I missed talking to you about though. We found out some very interesting facts about you after the funeral that only made me more curious about what else we didn’t know about. There is so much more I wanted to find out but didn’t. And I wish I had more time with you for it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you and will continue to miss you at sad moments but especially happy ones. I want to share of all it with you and I guess I can only hope you’re paying attention from up there when they happen.

Keep on shakin’ Nay. We’ll miss you from here.

Love,

Jods

Breakups are most often messy. Traumatic. We can’t help but wish that some people who broke us or we broke could cease existing in the same space we move through.

There are some separations that are cleaner and easier and I think that this song appeals to those who want to still be friends with their exes in the future. And in an ideal world, we all want to be the mature person who’s like that. I have to admit I am not that person yet. I do hope to be that way someday.

So I hope you find the openness to be like this with the people that have come and gone into your life. But for now, it can’t hurt to feel it through song.

Listen to the song here.

This wasn’t this week, or even the last one, but I still remember the feeling of taking this photo, just breathing in the fresh air, the wind in my hair. I even tripped on the way down so that almost took my breath away as well.

This view in Batanes, this beautiful shore, on a grassy knoll, was incredible and I am very lucky to have been able to experience.

So you don’t need to travel to the northernmost part of the country, or even leave your house, but I hope this weekend, you set your eyes on something that takes your breath away. Even if it’s just an amazing meal or a scene in your favorite movie, we all need to have moments that make us realize what we’re here for.

What are you looking forward to this weekend?

Today was a good day, and I haven’t felt a truly good day in a while. Maybe my qualifications for a good day have changed or maybe it’s just perspective, but today was a good day for me.

Today I got to wear my favorite sneakers, while seeing that a pair of other sneakers that I had seen two months before but didn’t have a size for, and also on sale so I had to get them.

I got to get out of my usual cycle and may actually be able to fix my sleep cycle soon. Be awake with the sun and sleep when the moon is out. It’s been so long since I can remember a decent night’s sleep, that even the possibility of it makes me happy.

I got to have several real hugs today from friends that I’ve missed. I was sincerely excited to see and receive hugs from each and every single one of them. What can I say, I may be half koala with how I hang on.

I got to drive on Edsa without incident even with less than ideal sleep. Ever since I got hit on the side by a jeep late last month, I’ve been less than confident about driving, especially with no comprehensive insurance. Now that I’ve got the insurance set up I feel a bit better but admittedly still tense when trying to merge into a gap because that’s where I got hit. Today though, no incident, not too much traffic.

So today was a good day and not to knock my luck but I’m hoping one of many this year.

How was your day?

I’ve gone to church a lot more lately. Maybe it’s lack of plans or my mother has become more adept at making sure we’re there, but I’ve been hearing a lot more sermons and learning about the church as an adult that has me left with a feeling of disconnection.

You see, the church I attend always stresses the value of giving back to others, putting them first, prioritizing everything over material things. However, the church of life is the complete opposite. Get ahead. Sacrifice your time with loved ones to provide. Do things you wouldn’t usually do to get a leg up. It’s very confusing and as a person trying to do the right thing in the right balance, the choice can most often be for what can be good for the wallet rather than the soul.

I guess what I’m trying to understand is how do we get to succeed and achieve our dreams without having to step on others? Is success the best way to not be in hellfire and brimstone when we pass? How do you become a good person and also earn your first billion?

Maybe it’s the culture of sensationalizing the controversial. We like to pay attention to those who might not be the greatest to their fellow man. When we hear of a wealthy person in trouble, we can’t help but feel a little schadenfreude.

Maybe you’re still trying to find your way as an adult after college. Not 110% set on the path you want or were removed from the ideas you thought life would be as an adult were “supposed to be like”. What do you follow? The ways of religion or the cold hard truths of a non-privileged life?

Is there a way to balance the line?

I guess I have more questions than answers this time, because at this point in my life, I’m still trying to figure it out. Never think you have life figured out after a certain age, because that’s when life will surprise you.

What line of thinking do you follow? Is it working out for you?

Lately I’ve been thinking about the cost of living, literally. What does it take for you to live? What sacrifices do we make that compromise our health, in order for us to make a living, or what we deprive ourselves of in the name of saving money.

This isn’t a new thought. Last year, when a friend from work had an actual stroke, it was a scary wake up call. That even a person who is a comfort to others and can pull off being there for his family in the day can still be there for his team at night, has a breaking point. I can’t deny that after that, I got extra careful with following my (multiple) doctors’ instructions for my knee, my borderline sugar, and my allergies.

Then this last November I had a very scary incident in the middle of the sea in a ferry from Camiguin to CDO. What started off as a weird manifestation of my usual hives covered my arms in small bumps, only to start swelling through my ears, my lips, my eyes, fingers and throat. When it got difficult to swallow, I asked for help from my (already very concerned) colleagues in finding medical assistance to make sure I didn’t go into anaphylactic shock.

We went to the captain and sadly, the only meds they had were the ones I take everyday, and there was no emergency allergy pen. Although I could see that they were panicking too (and so did my colleague who never left my sad) since they knew it was serious, they could offer nothing but to give us priority in leaving the ferry to get to the nearest ER to get this dealt with.

It was a long hour and a half on the boat and a scary 30 minutes to get to the provincial hospital, which was thankfully empty of other people so they could see me right away. They gave me the allergy medicine intravenously and I foolishly tried to leave fifteen minutes after, quite groggy and promptly fell down to the floor as my legs gave out. The only thing I could say (I think) was “Oh dang.”.

It took me two and a half more hours before we could leave and I’m thankful that my colleagues were patient and incredibly sweet and helpful during the time I was quite helpless (and incredibly disgusting to look at with swollen everything). It took a week for the swelling to fully go down in my body, a first. Ever since then, my family and friends who saw the damage have been extra concerned about my health, especially when I begin to scratch at the hives that arrive almost daily.

It can’t help as well that I’ve been missing a lot of sleep as well. My body clock can’t seem to switch back from weekend to weekday as I used to quite easily before. Maybe it’s a surplus of caffeine to keep me going or something, but recently the most sleep I get is two hours at a time and from everything I’ve read about health, will be horrible in the long term.

So if I accomplish anything major this year, I hope it’s getting all these health things under control. I owe it to myself, and my rabbits to be here for them healthy and able to take care of all their needs. While we can all still enjoy it.

Those strings, those lyrics, the quiet calm of this song until the swells of the violins chime in. Then it feels like when you hold your breath before after the first glimpse of your person.

I only recently heard this song late December (again, cousins who played music that I eventually heard the lyrics to). These lines are particularly sweet for me:

Maybe the night holds a little hope for us, dear
Maybe we might want to settle down, just be near
Stay together here

I don’t know why songs are this clear to me when most other things really are not. I do hope you listen to this song today and have someone to lay next to a bonfire (hopefully on a gorgeous beach somewhere) with and just enjoy the stars.

Listen to the song here and enjoy your weekend, and I wish a hopeful one, like this song.

Hello 6 readers, since I know most of you are related to me and/or Filipinos, you most likely know how to speak Filipino. So today, in this lovely Friday, I think you should listen to Up Dharma Down’s Anino.

I’ve always found Up Dharma Down’s music quite soothing and straightforwardly beautiful and this one is no exception.

Here are a few of the lines to make you think feel today.

Pagod na ang mga labi kahit wala pang sinasabi
Puro minsan na lang, nakapako sa aking isipan
Tahan na, umiiyak ka na naman
Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang papahid ng luhang yan

Hindi ka ba nag-sasawa sa tuwing titindig at titig sa salamin
Lahat ay nag-wakas, nakamtan ang kalayaan ko

Puro minsan na lang, nakapako sa aking isipan
Tahan na, umiiyak ka na naman
Hindi ba’t ikaw din ang papahid ng luhang yan

Hindi ka ba nag-sasawa sa tuwing titindig at titig sa salamin
Lahat ay nag-wakas, nakamtan ang kalayaan ko

It to me speaks of a tired heart but one that can’t help but going back. It knows the pain and that they only have themselves to pick them back up but it can’t help it. I don’t know, I really am a sucker for sad songs. Always have been, always will be.

So even if you just listen to the melody, try Up Dharma Down’s Anino today and feel what you need to feel.

What are you listening to this Friday?