All my adult life, I’ve been the person my parents raised me to be. Obedient. Respectful. Following a path I’ve been conditioned to pursue. But what if I’ve missed living while I was chasing the life I was supposed to be on?

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving
And I’m standing still

You can listen to the HERE, while I go think about my life choices with my birthday coming up.

I’m going to tell you a secret. I do a lot of self regulation on a regular basis. I’m impatient. Intense. Driven. Short tempered. There is no universe where I fully relax. I don’t sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. My brain is both exhausted and unable to switch to screensaver mode.

That’s why something is always in the background where I am. The same 8 tv shows. Anthony Bourdain speaking. Otherwise, there is an overflow of thoughts that are rarely productive or helpful. I am actively working on it but it’s still in progress.

Then there’s music. I have a playlist for most things. Right now I like yell-y things. One of these songs is Taylor Swift’s Florida.

Well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time
Yes, I’m haunted but I’m feeling just fine
All my girls got their lace and their crimes

I will sing it in between meetings, in the car, in the shower. It’s just so damn satisfying. -J

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing, I don’t have good news.

Why is it love is never kind to me?
I heard that fools rush in, and, yeah, that’s me
It burns me time and time again
So why am I still fixing for this frying pan?

I feel like I need to hit myself with a frying pan sometimes. -J

You can listen to Handlebars HERE

The thing about having a television at home now — I spend much more time lying down letting time pass by. Today I watched Fred Again’s Tiny Desk concert. I’ve heard several of this man’s songs since being introduced to his work in 2023 and regularly use it to get blood pumping when I need an energy boost. I realize now I listen to more of his fast, bass heavy tunes. So when I heard Me (Heavy) today, I had to just pause my running brain and listen to him sing.

Do you feel like talkin’?
I feel like bein’ open
I feel my thoughts run around each evening
But I’m glad I’m feelin’
I wanna run in there and steal you out
Unplug the wires and kiss your mouth
You don’t need another whiteboard evening
But I need you breathin’

You can listen to the song HERE or the whole tiny desk concert HERE

This may be one of my more melody rather than lyrics songs. It just sounds like the end of something. It’s been haunting me this past week.

And although my eyes were open
They might just as well have been closed

You can listen to this sad, sad song HERE

Long days come with a little more reflective songs on the playlist

If you keep reachin’ out
Then I’ll keep comin’ back
But if you’re gone for good
Then I’m okay with that

You can listen to Maggie Rogers tear your heart out HERE

I’ve been thinking about my relationship with my home in the past month. Seeing friends early in the month that said “I didn’t think you would be in the country now.” and getting the “Where in the world are you?” text made me take a good look at where I feel most home. And this song really hits that chord:

I’ve been seeing lonely people in crowded rooms
Covering their old heartbreaks with new tattoos
It’s all about smoke screens and cigarettes
Looking through low lights at silhouettes
But all I see is lonely people in crowded rooms

This city’s gonna break my heart
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone

Working from home and mostly at night, and controlling my own noise a lot of the time has me overwhelmed when there are crowds, and Metro Manila being the second most dense city in the world, it happens a lot. But this city can be a little disconnected unless you make your own community. But it’s home.