I am not, in any way a daddy’s girl, but I can safely say I am my father’s daughter.

First off, we look alike. When I was growing up, people told me I looked like both my parents, but more my dad. I was annoyed because people kept remarking at my mother’s beauty, and did not praise my father at all, thus giving me the conclusion that I had the “ugly gene”. However growing up, I’ve gotten used to what we look like, and actually have some things that I got from my dad that I like, for one, the round eyes that can give away so much, which is both a good and bad thing. The color of my skin that will always look especially native, will not burn and give me age spots as fast as my mother and sister have. And lastly, the thick black hair that is infinitely unmanageable but will look great if a professional attacks it with a brush and hair dryer.

I’ve also taken a lot of his personality. We’re not very social, but we warm up when people take the time to approach us. We have unnaturally close ties to friends, and are unusually attached to loved ones.  We’re not very vocal, both positively and negatively, but we choose to do things to show our affection, or lack thereof. We tend to retreat to our own thoughts and shut down in conflict, but at times what we feel bursts out of us when we least expect it. (I guess it all the tucking it in.)

We are not the closest. I cannot claim to be the expert on his life and likes, or say that he’s the person I run to when I’m having issues in my life. We don’t talk as equals, always as parent and child. We clash opinions on a lot of things. We have totally different ideas of what constitute a fun day out.

But we understand each other when it matters and support each other when we need it. I know when he needs help and doesn’t want to ask for it, and he knows the same about me.

My father is flawed, and so am I. And this reflection of each other is why I am his daughter.

 

I admit it, I do have the sappy gene. Last Wednesday, my mom, sister and I went to an absolutely knee weakening concert in the most unusual of places, the parking lot in Promenade at Greenhills.

It was a free concert by the Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra, and for a few hours, we just lost ourselves in the notes. I cannot presume to know the pieces that were played as I am not a devotee, but what I heard, I liked.

We giggled when the orchestra played a few songs from The Sound of Music because we were desperately trying to keep our mom from singing along. When they played a medley of Parokya ni Edgar songs, it only endeared the group to us more.

We had so much fun, we hardly noticed the rain until the downpour.

We left soaked and shivering and went off to dinner satiated, and cannot wait for the next installment.

It capped off a stressful, yet fulfilling day that until now has me smiling a little.

I hope we catch the next one when it happens.

 

Lately I’ve been thinking about what you want versus what you have. People keep saying that as long as you can dream it, you can have it, and there is no limit to what you can dream. There have been billionaires starting off from the bottom, working their way to the top. There are people who dreamed of marrying the world’s most famous movie star and ended up marrying them twenty years later (Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, never mind how that turns out). There are diseases that killed millions in the past that people now have a cure for. There are miracles and stories that seem hard to believe, but really did happen, and amazing hurdles and obstacles that were a leap, jump and skip away from the realization of their dream.

But what if it’s really not in the cards for you? The dream of being a doctor isn’t really something you can accomplish because you faint at the sight of a drop of blood. A career in aeronautics because you have a debilitating fear of heights. That fairy tale ending that you were sure you were going to get because you worked your ass off to woo the person you’ve been admiring for years because she’s just not that into you.

I guess this is me just saying that sometimes, there is a portion of life we have to leave to fate. Not pushing where there’s no more room to push. Just letting life go the way it needs to go.

Because maybe you don’t get to where or what you thought you’d be, but your path will take you to somewhere different. Maybe it’ll be better for you. Maybe it’ll be worse. You really never know and you can’t control the world you live in because you want to.

All I’m saying is, sometimes, life happens. Shit gets dealt that you never thought you’d have to handle. What you desire may never translate to more than a fevered daydream on a sandy shore.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not the only dream out there.

I have heard of Rent for a long time. I know the songs, I’ve watched clips, I’ve discussed it with friends, but mostly song wise. It has taken me almost a decade to watch the movie, and I’ve not caught the play when there are runs in Manila.

I could almost kick myself for waiting this long to watch it.

It was every bit as exciting as I thought, and the singing amazing. I was so happy to see Jesse L. Martin (doctor Greg Butters from Ally McBeal that I’ve thought sexy since I saw him sing for Calista Flockhart on said show) and Idina Menzel, (the original Elphaba from Wicked) in particular that I just started salivating at the collection of sexy on my screen.

Rent is not for the faint of heart. It deals with poverty, aids, and the culture of New York in 1989-1990. Mostly dealing with the bohemian lifestyle and fighting against selling out, and the pitfalls of living a carefree lifestyle. If you are in any way conservative and do not like seeing images of men kissing, or women kissing, or drugs and art, forget about seeing this musical.

I for one do not have any reservations on any of these subjects, laughed, cried, sang along.

You think your life is crap? Rent will show you the bliss sheltered living gives you.

And did I say yet how utterly sexy Jesse L. Martin’s voice is? Coz it is. I could listen to it all day. And it’s what I’m going to do today.

I like words, and today, Sigh. It conveys so much and so little. It speaks of longing and sadness in one breath, and happiness and bliss in another. It is an actual bodily reaction to a feeling. It expresses thought without having to say anything.

Sigh.

Have you ever felt like screaming into the wind? All your thoughts, what you really feel, what you think all because you feel like there’s just nobody listening? I have.

I’ve actually screamed into the horizon. Honestly, I’ve done this mostly underwater, on a beach somewhere, where I usually find myself thinking more than I ever do out of the saltwater. I guess the beauty of the environment I’m in just throws me off balance and makes me want to just understand more of the life I’m living, and how I’m living it. But also, the water drowns the screaming out so the surrounding people don’t realize how much of a freak the person standing next to them is.

But I digress yet again. If you feel like there’s no one in your life right now that will listen to every uncensored thought, all the taboo feelings, all the crazy impulses you want to indulge in, then find them. It is no good to censor yourself for the world, and really not good for your sanity. Whether it be paid (an actual therapist as a sounding board), treated (friends over booze), loved (a significant other willing to hear you bitch or moan), go and find one now. It’ll help you sleep better, and maybe less people will think you’re the weirdo that keeps screaming on the roof of your bungalow at 10 in the evening. Just be sure the people you’re using as sounding boards are people you trust, and that you’re willing to do the same for them (coz baby, this is a two way street).

You know why it’s good? Because your words are important. Because they’re yours. And the beauty of the life we’re living is that we’ll always find someone who thinks your words are the most important thing they’ll hear that day. Even how bad they are, or depressing, or silly.

I would like to say as a “writer” that it really helps writing down what you can’t say at the moment you’re feeling them, but it really is different when you give your insides a voice, and release those demons (or whatever great feeling you’re keeping inside) once and for all.

I promise, it’ll make you feel better.

So many things have been running through my head lately, and I’ve been trying to organize them into a logical, readable post, but somehow, my brain is not cooperating. So maybe let’s keep with the music recommendations, and soon you, my dear reader (one of eight, hello!) will have a playlist to keep on loop.

I watched the movie Warm Bodies the other day. The premise is simple, the guy’s a zombie, the girl, a human. It could’ve made for a very strange, sappy film, but the really witty writing and sort of adorable (make that very) lead Nicholas Hoult in his red hoodie and gray shirt made it one of the funniest films I’ve seen in a while.

I digress. This is supposed to be about John Waite’s Missing You. It’s an oldie but a goodie, and is always good value. It makes an appearance on the film twice, when R (Nicholas Hoult’s zombie) plays it on his record player, and the next, when he sees the female lead for the first time.

And really, how can you resist lyrics like these:

And there’s a storm that’s raging
Through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name, in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time,thinking about you
And it’s almost driving me wild
And there’s a heart that’s breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

Listen to this cheesefest here and tell me what you think.

 

Up Dharma Down songs have an ethereal quality to them, and Tadhana is definitely one of the more moving ones. It’s in Filipino, and very old school so, that it took me quite a while to really understand what the song is trying to say. (I still think I’m missing some of the subtleties because of the language used).

Saan nga ba patungo,
Nakayapak at nahihiwagaan na
Ang bagyo ng tadhana ay
Dinadala ako sa init ng bisig mo

Which loosely translates to: I don’t know where I’m going, barefoot and amazed. The storm of fate brings me to the warmth of your arms.

Poetry set in music, what can get any better?

Listen and feel the amazing here:

I got this the other day. It was a meeting of the whole Philippine office at work, and I almost teared up. It was a simple gesture. This person had gotten their business cards due to a recent promotion, and they handed this over while a talk by one of our bosses was going on.

See, I’m not really the most emotional of people (well, that’s a debatable statement), but I really had to blink back the tears that were perilously coming to the surface.

Because the statement is true. I really was proud. I was pushing for this all along, I saw this person’s hard work and diligence, and rallied for the recognition. This is the most important business card in my wallet, and I hope that this person continues to do well, because they really deserve anything that’s coming to them.

I’ve never been happier in anything in my career than in that moment, right there.

You can listen to the song here. Because even if John Mayer is a douche in real life, he does come up with lyrics like these:

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me

‘Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad, I’ll go back on the things I believe

There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me

And with that melody, it really can just go on loop the whole day.

What are you listening to?