Being in physical therapy for having a bum knee has been teaching me a lot in patience. In as much as I am a fan of just getting the quick fix, this knee thing isn’t going away soon and I have to have a lot of patience and self control in order to get it done.

First off, it takes at least an hour and a half of my day just getting there, and since I don’t want to drive and park for myself to somewhere that takes (supposedly) two short jeepney rides, it takes some self control in being patient with the irresponsible driving and over waiting that taking public transportation needs.

Second is dealing with the red tape. Each time I go, I need to be there at least thirty minutes beforehand so that they can request each session be approved by my HMO. I really don’t understand why it just doesn’t get approved per round of treatment since it seems very much the same process each time and I actually got this done myself in the past for the MRI that preceded all of the sessions.

Third are these:

I am a very impatient person, and these sessions take around 40 minutes to an hour. I know it’s supposed to be slow and steady progress, and without losing the weight (which is another lesson in patience and self control with food that I don’t quite have) the whole point is moot, but I am slowly enjoying the sessions as they force me to sit in a quiet space and just focus on the healing and strengthening that my knee needs to get rid of the cyst and tear that I inadvertently did to it.

Being an adult is exhausting sometimes and this knee thing is really taking a whole lot of energy and time, but as I’ve come to learn, rushing something won’t help things, sometimes it actually may make it worse. It’s how I injured the knee in the first place, and from my experience, even if you put in the work, if your body isn’t ready or you don’t know what you’re doing, you’ll be spending years and hundreds of thousands of pesos paying for looking good for half a year in pictures.

That doesn’t mean I’m giving up though. I’ll get back to shape even if it kills me. And for now, it will kill the cookie loving, ice cream hog in me for now.

What’s taught you patience lately?

I can’t believe I’m writing this. The world lost Anthony Bourdain today. I say the world because his travels and work brought him to so many places and touched so much lives in the process. While this feels surreal and devastating for fans like myself, I cannot even imagine how it is for the people in his life.

Not this way. Not like this.

If you’re having difficulties, or having thoughts on ending it, please reach out to a loved one, a friend, anyone.

There is also Hopeline, the Philippines’ crisis intervention hotline:

(02) 804-HOPE (4673)
0917 558 HOPE (4673)
2919 (toll-free number for all GLOBE and TM subscribers)

You are not alone.

 

 

Kate Spade, designer of bags and apparel that I’ve loved for years died by suicide yesterday. She was a multimillionaire, had a husband of 24 years, and a daughter, and she had inner struggles. I am very sad to know this, as her talent, her ability to share the beauty in the world is now lost, and now her family and friends also have to deal with her loss.

It only goes to show that no matter how shiny a life looks on the outside, the inside can be quite different. I am not blaming her for her struggles, only feeling sad that she had to go through them. Many people are struggling with their inner demons, and sometimes even getting up is difficult, and sometimes it’s hard just asking for help. The strongest people on the outside can be the most to struggle on the inside, this I am uncomfortably familiar with.

I’d like to come clean that I struggle too sometimes. When that inner voice is screaming. When you just want to crawl into bed and not deal with the day. However hard it is, I do my best to get up and get going. Some days it’s harder, some days it’s easier. You can be in a room full of people who love you and still be broken, and sometimes you just need to squeeze someone’s hand and you’re okay. Sometimes you’re overwhelmingly happy too. It’s okay to be broken and to feel it. It’s okay to want to strive to get through it. It’s okay.

If you’re struggling yourself and want to get help, there are people who can get you through it. If you feel like you need professional assistance, there’s the Philippine Mental Health Association or if you’re feeling at the end of your rope, the Philippine Suicide Hotline. There is no shame in asking for outside help, and if anything, emotional well being is something we need to recognize as a real concern for people at all walks of life. Conversations are more open now to the struggle, and we’re dealing with it as less of an abnormality but more of a reality. But we’ll always, always find a way through it.

If you feel like you can’t, let someone, anyone know. Don’t go through it alone. Your inner voice isn’t the most forgiving and you need to be able to forgive yourself when it feels like it’s too much to deal with. Don’t let the bad win.

 

In my 2007-2009 earphones always in my ears, blasting on top volume phase when I was still working in an office, you might have overheard me listening to this on the elevator. Back then, my IPOD nano was carefully curated with 800+ songs that I carefully picked out and edited on an almost daily cadence (I had the time, maybe because I wasn’t much of a team player then). My defense mechanism and how I avoided social interaction was to keep my earphones on, and it helped that I really liked listening to music.

Julianne was part of the easy listening, pretty girl vocalists of the time. She wasn’t as famous as Sitti, or Juris and the others, but she had really great lyrics and melodies, but my favorite has to be Empty Chairs. It’s hard to find, and recently I was so happy to have found it on Spotify. It’s very simple, the lyrics are here:

There were moments
That I wanted you around
Moments I wanted you
To pick me off the ground
Was is something I said
I did or did not do
A detail left out
Of the list of my being with you

Do you know coz I don’t understand
Can you tell me coz I can’t comprehend
Always thought that you were on my side
Now you’re walking away
Walking away
Leaving me behind?

Now all I see are empty chairs I have to fill
Makes me think about all what you said
What lies ahead
Am I capable of living my life still
Now that you’re not by my side
And I remembered
That was your empty chair to fill

Here I am
With my final role to play
Left to finish what we
Started on that fateful day
There I was your girl
Your star your best friend
Now empty handed
Are you telling me
This is how the story ends?

I’m telling you things
You shouldn’t known right from the start
When all I ever asked of you
Was to be there
I could’ve swallowed all my pride
For all I care
But you kept taking more that I could give
So go ahead walk out the door

 

It’s a little needy, quite codependent for most of it, but then, she gives herself credit in the end. I like that. Very simply, the story hasn’t changed, even if it hurts, go ahead.

I’m not trying to say something here, except I hope you find meaning in the songs you listen to today. I know I will keep on keeping on, finding solace in music or even giving my heart more grief by doing so, but I will feel every emotion because it needs to be felt.

What songs are you listening to today?