This Friday, I am in a singing mood, but also in a “let it go” mood. There are some things I’ve been thinking about that I really, really should just let go of. The preoccupation and stress about my weight and overdue doctor’s appointment because of said weight, how I’m still a bit chickensh*t about driving alone since I got rammed on the side by a jeep last November, and all these things I still need to get done.

This song by The California Honeydrops found here is good to listen to as a reminder, with the lyrics:

Just because you want it

Don’t mean you get it

Sometimes you just gotta let it go

I will forego all the Elsa jokes, on a Friday, when i’m feeling antsy, I will listen to this song and hopefully, melt the anxiety away a bit.

But for now, I will comfort myself with the last brownie our friend made that is insanely delicious and work out for an hour after.

What song do you listen to when you’re feeling anxious?

I have a tendency to get attached. Have you heard of this definition of friendship? “Friendship is weird. You pick a human you’ve met and you’re like “Yup, I like this one” and you just do stuff with them.” I truly relate to this as my friendships are here and there. I have a friend that we made because instead of listening to his training us, we were worried about a Chickenjoy delivery. I have another friend I made because he dated one of my friends, and she disappeared, and he asked for help locating her. More than a decade later, he is one of my closest confidantes while I hardly speak to the friend he dated.

I have several friends who I’ve loved longer than a lot of humans have been alive, 28 years of awkwardness and phases in our lives and we’re still chuckling about who we had crushes on when we were twelve years old. (We talk about them with regret at the intensity and the length of time we were googly-eyed okay, we didn’t know better)

I talk a lot of sh*t about how friendships should be as seamless as disappearing for a year then just picking up where we left off, but honestly, I put in time with mine, and I think in the age we live in, there is no excuse not to check in every couple months with a text or a random gif to start a conversation. This reverence towards introvert behavior aside, it still takes a village to survive in this big bad world we live in.

I’ve been very lucky to have the friends I have around me, no matter how dysfunctional we can be sometimes. We talk a lot of crap about each other. We give each other a hard time most of the time but deep down, it’s a support system that SHOWS UP when you need it. I can think of a few times in the past when I’ve needed them the most and they came through for me, whether it was splitting a bottle of skeezy brandy three ways the night before Lion King (causing me to fall asleep when MUFASA DIED), or gathering to go on a tita night for food and drinks, and countless small gestures that meant a lot for my survival of another emotional car crash that I may or may not have brought on myself.

I guess I’m just again thankful for what I have. At the end of the day, even if sometimes I know I’m just along for the ride (because my friends love my sister and tolerate me) I still have an in. And my heart is full just being around them, on the floor, at a new house with no furniture yet, eating amazing food and talking nonsense.

So I guess if you’re a friend and you want to check in, I’m still pretty grateful even with the speed bumps life has dealt. It may not have been the track I thought I would be on, but it’s been a hell of a ride. (Life please don’t deal me more “bumps” this year, I’m fine with a boring life for a while).

And I guess, thank you universe for the people who have chosen to stay, because they make me who I am. Bruised, scarred, growing even rounder day to day, but one who has stories of gratitude she can tell for days, and a full belly laugh when she tells them.

In this heat, it’s difficult to do anything heavy. Even listening to sad songs feels like it adds to the sweating we’re going through. This is why I think Childish Gambino’s Summertime Magic is a perfect song to get rid of the heavy feelings all around. It’s basically the same lines over and over “Do love me do, do love me do love me do, I love you”. So simple but so catchy, with the steel drums setting the background that feels like a day at the beach.

Today feels like a good day to dance around in a cool airconditioned room drinking a slush drink with hint of tequila to this song.

Listen to it here. Then tell me what drink you decided to dance to it with.

This past December, I took my first solo trip. Officially solo, I didn’t stay with any friends or meet up with a loved one at any point, I was by myself for the whole duration of the trip. This baffled the people I joined tours with, who were all couples/a couple with their daughter. They made comments about how women can do this now but why would they do so, and that they hadn’t done this and were now married and I get it.

Solo travel never appealed to me much. Probably because I wanted someone to listen to my jokes or ask for extra pillows when checking into the hotel (I sent the side comments to friends via text and didn’t need extra pillows because I had the bed all to myself). It was kind of exhilirating not to have to follow anyone’s schedule but my own, and do whatever I wanted. For the extra dose of solitude, the place I stayed at did not have wifi signal or a TV. I did end up watching my downloads on Netflix and reading a bunch, but only to stop myself from having out loud conversations because I wanted to hear something other than the wind across the hills.

I picked the right place to do this though. It was gorgeous, and clean and the community was small and secure. People were friendly and accommodating and somehow both aware and unaware of how breathtaking their neighborhoods are.

I’m very lucky to have been able to do this and go home and back safe, full, and extra in awe of the country I live in. I take it for granted when I read the news or have to commute for an extended period, especially when dealing with the almost unnatural traffic. I’ve come a long way from my 20s, both in good and bad (Bad: weight, Good: travel) I guess my 30s aren’t so bad after all.

This is an old photo, one taken late 2015. It keeps popping up in my head though. I keep thinking about new beginnings and what it means to the old things that I have closed chapters on in my life. The old jobs. Friends I no longer talk to. People I’ve loved and lost. It’s amazing how many new steps also means walking away from the person you were before, the one you thought was the one you were gonna be.

I’ve always been so sure of my life, the path I wanted, but 2018 threw me for a loop. It was a doozy of a year and ultimately, made me grow so much as a person. Different, maybe not better, scarred but healing, doing a lot of things I never thought I would be doing.

It really is true that life happens when you’re busy making other plans. It’s harder for me admittedly because of my work in the past, operations does a number on your personal life because it bleeds into it. You find yourself looking for solutions to other people’s problems when no one asked you to get involved. Or when a person tries a different solution to the one you’ve thought of and it goes wrong, you get agitated or smug about it.

I’m trying to be less operations and efficiency and more human and friendly. Embracing this new me and bidding goodbye to the more Type A version that I was. I hope it lasts and impacts the next post I go to. It’s only time, and it’s better not just for my health but the general environment I’m in.

So Hello, Goodbye. This is Jody Alarva, version who knows what, and I’m hoping to live with love.

I had a friend once that always said, “Either you win or you learn” and it always irked me because I thought it was such a naive way of looking at things. Some lessons I thought, hurt too much and dig too deep to recover from. There are some that change you for good, and maybe that’s the point. For good meaning for the better and not just for good meaning from there on out.

Sometimes we win. We’re lucky when it’s love (I always think in love, people get lucky, then they have to do the work to stay lucky), we work hard when it’s a job or business, or sometimes, we’re just on that path, and it’s really just fated to be yours.

When we lose, it’s difficult to appreciate it. It’s always in hindsight when we learn to appreciate the lessons we’ve been taught because of the loss. We learn to better be in the moment, or take the small victories on a day to day basis rather than aim for the moon, we take things step by step if the lesson is a big one. But we learn. It hurts. It sucks at the moment. It can feel like you can never get up from the fall, but eventually, you learn to live with the nonvictories. Find yourself on a new path to winning differently, and maybe one that’s actually better for you, big picture wise.

I guess this is my way of admitting that I was wrong, and that my once friend was right. We do get up. We do find ourselves changed, and learning from our losses. It’s not easy finding the good when you’re stuck in the pain and regret of loss, but we do find time and ways to move forward. We’re built for it, and if we’re not, hopefully, each of us has a support system that will get us through it. Whether it’s family, friends, or several rescue animals, we all need someone to lean on once in a while, before we can relearn to stand up on our own feet.

What lessons have you learned this year so far?

These faces make me happy everyday. They are not the easiest. As of today they have bitten holes in every single pillowcase and sheet I have at home, but I wouldn’t trade them for anyone else in the world. They are loves of my life and I am very fortunate to have them with me.

Who makes you happy every day?