There are a lot of things on my brain lately, trying to find meaning in things that don’t quite make sense to me.

It’s been a long road to get to where I am today, but it just feels like I’m going in circles most days.

Can you tell me when this ride is going to stop? I want to know how it ends.

Is my life just supposed to be an endless parade of hard things before it ends, or are these signs trying to tell me something?

I have strayed from the path rightly travelled by other people my age. So far so that the maps stopped long ago.

Can you tell me where I’m supposed to be? Because my shoes and heart are wearing thin.

It’s hard thinking about the long term sometimes. Life changes things up so often and in such big ways, that no matter how much you plan, how hard you hope, how many prayers were offered, it changes. Or it ends.

Living’s complicated. The grind is getting harder. The poor is getting poorer, the rich are getting richer, and those of us in the middle are doing all we can just to stay afloat. We do all these things to escape from the day to day, but put our long term savings on the line to do so. But what else are we doing all this work for?

If we’re lucky enough to survive the next 40-50 years, what do we have to look forward to? A dying planet. Jobs that are getting harder and harder to get and keep. Blatant breaches in decency. Truth that is now twisted to what is most convenient to the one hearing it.

I’m scared honestly. For the choices we have to make in the future as the adults. For what we have to accept, and what there is to find.

On a Friday that started full of hope and a mug each of 2 espresso shots, genmaicha and liquid vitamin c, I am trying to pull myself out of dismay.

Maybe I should just stop reading the news.

I don’t have a poker face. Anyone who has met me has let me know that I have RBF to begin with. It is very hard for me to fake my way through something I don’t agree with, which makes being an adult hard sometimes.

What I learned early on as an adult, a big part of it is dealing with things you would rather not. Endless piles of laundry, doctor’s appointments by yourself, and social situations you’d rather not be involved in. It’s a lot, and there are times you just want to throw a tantrum and not deal with it. It’s a cycle. When you’re young you’re not expected to, as a functioning adult, you have to, and there’s a point when you’re old enough that you don’t need to.

Why am I talking about facing things like an adult? Because this year has been an ongoing lesson of it. One of the biggest things I’ve had to really take to heart is to stop my mouth/or fingers (from typing) from running away with me. I have also noted that the more I keep something I want to say in a heated moment, the less I have to apologize for after, a lesson I’ve learned from seeing it in my dad and brother, but also the hard way from my outbursts in the past.

So what now?

There are still a lot of things on my plate that I need a lot of patience for. I like to do things quickly and have them revert quickly but I know that other people have things to do and their own pace. I take a breather when I’m feeling frustrated. I treat myself to things I don’t deserve (massages, nice dinners, very recently jewelry). In as much as I want to plan for the long run, the other voice in my head reminds me that life is short. That there is little reassurance that my stay here is long enough for me to enjoy what I put aside.

But who knows?

What have you had to face as an adult lately?

It’s been on my mind lately. One of my closest friends quit their job this week. A good job, where they were valued and paid enough. What pushes people to the breaking point? Why are some more willing to take the crap than others?

Being a millenial (which now feels like a rude word), I’m caught in the middle. Being raised by people that were taught that one stable job the rest of your life is a great deal, but also seeing that now the world is open to opportunities like there never was, but at a price.

Honestly, the industry I have found myself in can be incredibly cutthroat. I myself have made decisions I never thought I would. I’ve had to question people on their personal life even if I didn’t want to hear a single detail. I’ve had to cut hardworking folks because of a business need. I’ve had to have incredibly tough conversations that impacted people’s livelihoods.

It’s changed me. In a way I hope for the better, but sometimes, the cynicism cuts right through sometimes. When I try and advise people who haven’t gone through what I have, and offer them worst case scenario, I feel bad. I want them to be hopeful and look for the best in people, but I have had to look at the worst.

Maybe it’s just me. The reality is, there is no white knight to save me from a life of hard work and persisting stress. If I want to succeed, I will have to do this on my own. I cannot depend on others for my life to improve, it just doesn’t work that way for me.

But as always, I digress.

I’m paddling away at the soup of labor, and sometimes it feels like I’m getting pulled under. Sometimes I just want to flip a table. Other times it’s so fulfilling and I’m grateful that I’m able to impact others positively, but that can really be a two edged sword.

So when is enough, enough?

I guess I’ll find out.

A childhood friend, a good man, died last night. He was my age. And while we’ve lost touch, I had heard he’d done well in his life. Civil engineer, married a beautiful woman who served as a nurse, continued to be a beloved son, sibling, cousin and nephew. When I had heard he collapsed while playing basketball, and had gone into cardiac arrest, it stopped me in my tracks. I had wanted to go see him, but decided to let him be with his family while healing.

You never really think someone young could pass away. Especially someone who had so much going for him, and now with all the outpouring of tributes on social media, how much he was valued by his community.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I’m mostly still not absorbing this and trying to write through what this means. To say his family is one we absolutely care for is an understatement. Through the years we’ve never lost touch with his parents, and I always enjoy seeing them when we go home to Batangas.

I can’t even imagine how they’re feeling.

So I guess, just tell your loved ones you love them. You never really know how much time you have left.

Rest in peace my friend. We’ll do what we can for your family here. Don’t worry about them. It will hurt because you are so loved, but they have each other through this. That we know for sure.

I haven’t written in a while, and it’s not because I miss you less. I think, the unfortunate effect of me fully understanding that we won’t have you at anything moving forward has me feeling better but also less excited about life’s milestones.

And it shouldn’t. The family is getting bigger. Dinna got a new dog, that I know you would’ve been concerned about because it’s small and might collide with you in excitement.

Chinga is getting bigger. She can run around now, and apparently can bully older kids because of her size. This cracks me up but is also unsurprising, as you know, we are Ruedas.

I’m happy she got to meet you, but honestly I’m also a little jealous that if I were to have kids in the future, they won’t. They’ll only hear stories of how amazing you were, and how we all felt a little better when you were there. Even if you weren’t the most wordy, you expressed your love differently, and I never wanted for more. I didn’t need to hear that you loved me, I just knew it.And if I only said it when you were sick, I am so sorry. I loved you so much. So often when I wanted to escape my life, I wanted to go home to Bataan and just be with the family, and it was your influence that made it what it is now.

I’m happy where I am now Nay, and the work isn’t killing me on the inside. It was worth the wait.

There’s love in my life in so many ways and sometimes I forget that when it’s difficult but I’m trying to change. Be more grateful. I actually miss the years when we were all still in the old house, and had less gifts but more time together. We actually had time to all be together in Manila or Bataan to just share meals then, but now, as we’re all mostly adults, it takes months of planning to do that. That’s the reality of life I guess, one that takes time getting used to as we all grow our personal networks, and change our individual meanings of family.

I miss you and I’m hoping that this thing is all mostly worry and not a real hurdle that the family needs to get through. Good things happen to all kinds of people I know that and something had already happened to you, but I’m still processing the possibilities for us. Watch over all of us as we take this on step by step.

I wish you were here, and I wish we had been able to cook that lengua. I still haven’t been able to get myself up to make it. I didn’t write down our conversation on your way of making it, but I can still remember most of your tips. Mom knows the rest. I want to make it and have a piece of you in my repertoire.

I know you’re in a better place, but look out for us here and there okay? For now, we’ll try to make you proud.

Let me tell you something about our Nay and Tay.

Their actual names are Nikki and Vince. For us early on, we called them Nay and Tay because we spent hours on the road in their car. It is a testament to them being reflexively parents first that they picked us up and dropped us off as we went to team meetings, training and interviews together.

And while we’ve known them relatively shorter than most of the guests at their wedding, who from what we’ve heard are friends from elementary, high school and college, we’ve loved them from the beginning.

They’ve powered through more things than I can imagine in a lifetime, and had their families behind them all throughout the the highs and the lows that if I detailed one by one of what I know, sounds almost ridiculous.

I cannot imagine one without the other, and while we met Nikki first, we call ourselves Vince’s kids/friends now too. It is amazing what they have accomplished together and what they continue to do as a unit, as parents, partners, and now and then, colleagues.

Life has not dealt them the easiest cards, but I think they are perfect together. Nay’s passionate drive complements Tay’s calm demeanor. While they joke a lot about Nikki’s temper, when he talks, the grin that breaks through her face is one that lights it up like I’ve never seen.

I’ve learned a lot from them on how to handle relationships, and while this is more theory than practice from me yet, I will continue to marvel at how they navigate the complexity of modern partnership. It is insanely difficult to find someone you love out there, that you also respect and want to be with in all the days.

The wedding was short and sweet as religion and tradition allowed, but the extent of their relationship really shone through how their loved ones were there for them, in the rain, on a Tuesday afternoon, with work looming at midnight, presentations early morning the next day, and exams for others. I was one of the few people lucky enough to be witness to the exchange, and believe me, it was only the idea of ruining the professionally applied makeup that kept me from blubbering like a baby every 10 minutes.

It is incredibly cliche to call them relationship goals, but I sincerely believe that they are something to aspire and work to. Because relationships are hard. They take commitment, grit, patience, and kindness towards each other, with a regularity that transcends the honeymoon phase. They know how to make love last, and I was fortunate to have been there to see them commit to themselves in front of their loved ones, God and all legalities for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do them part (that part always gets me).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am celebrating a love that lasts, and now a love that anyone, law, country, Church now also recognizes as a full union. The Nay and Tay I know and love are the same loving couple, only now they share a last name.

This Friday, I am in a singing mood, but also in a “let it go” mood. There are some things I’ve been thinking about that I really, really should just let go of. The preoccupation and stress about my weight and overdue doctor’s appointment because of said weight, how I’m still a bit chickensh*t about driving alone since I got rammed on the side by a jeep last November, and all these things I still need to get done.

This song by The California Honeydrops found here is good to listen to as a reminder, with the lyrics:

Just because you want it

Don’t mean you get it

Sometimes you just gotta let it go

I will forego all the Elsa jokes, on a Friday, when i’m feeling antsy, I will listen to this song and hopefully, melt the anxiety away a bit.

But for now, I will comfort myself with the last brownie our friend made that is insanely delicious and work out for an hour after.

What song do you listen to when you’re feeling anxious?