A couple of months ago, we babysat a friend’s toddler for a weekend. It was a responsibility I was not ready for at the time, and I was mostly running on panic adrenaline. Since this was someone else’s child, their world, it wasn’t something I wanted to take lightly.

And boy, it wasn’t a weekend that was light. A toddler is a test of will and smarts. They absorb everything. They try to test every limit and are strong willed. Once you give in once, they will remember and test how much you’ll give in next time. It was emotionally and physically difficult, and with having lost my baby bunny five days before, I was, admittedly, wanting to wave the white flag. Take note, this took five people (my sister, mother, brother, boyfriend) 48 hours and unending french fries (long story) to get through.

So I will admit this now and get it out of the way. I am not ready for children yet. Children will be the death of me, as until now I still sob at the memory of losing my rabbit. I know that I will love mine truly and fully and will be the most paranoid I’ll ever be about the world. I won’t be able to sleep. Or worse, I’ll just throw up my hands and ask someone else to deal with it. They say when it’s your own child, it’s different (That’s what my mother says, and she keeps saying it, I think she got spooked that none of her kids want children now).

I applaud those who choose to raise kids, as it is such an unselfish thing, to put your heart and mind on something that has its own mind and decisions to make. it’s so risky and will break your heart a thousand times over, and it will drain you of your finances, patience and all else you can give.

So I’m not ready now, please don’t shoot me. But I also know I change my mind a thousand times a day, so I’ll let you know when that changes.

Two Sundays ago, I got told I was beautiful. It was such a shocking thing. I remember shaking my head and saying thank you to the family friend that said it twice to my parents. Not because I think I’m a beast (and not because I think I’m a ravishing beauty either). My theory is because us Filipinos as a culture don’t expect the compliment. We’re so used to “Antaba mo na! (you’ve gotten fat!)” or at my age “O, kelan na? (When are you getting married?)” It just reminded me how negative our usual banter is and that we should change this culture on its head when we can. Because we are the future titas (aunts/older family friends) that will comment to children on how they’ve been. We can, as a generation, find better ways to start a conversation rather than asking why our quiet niece is still single, and instead go for the positive instead of the usual critique we hear about someone’s weight or failure to fulfill traditional cultural timelines.

You never know how much you’ll affect someone’s day, heck someone’s life even. I’d like you to think about things people have said to you that’s affected you, most of the time simple statements really resonate with people, you never know when, or how much, because words matter, and people listen to you, no matter how you little you think your impact is on others. When you say it one on one, it may make the difference in how a person approaches the next day, week or month.

(Or maybe this is just me reacting to the questions I usually get 99% of the time that I’ve had to bounce back with a shy “When we’re ready!””, or “Just enjoying the time right now”, or when I’m not feeling so great “I just want to be sure this time, this IS forever.”)

So go for the compliment today, my fellow future titos and titas. I’m sure you’ll find something good in the person you run into or meet with. Try to focus on that. I’m not saying sarcastically point out the bracelet you find hideous Regina George style, but find something you really like and if an opportunity presents itself, point it out. Right now, even when I’m mindlessly people watching, I look for at least one thing I like on every single person. It helps reinforce that thinking that there will always be something good about someone, even if your reflex is to look for the bad.

What were you told lately that shocked and awed you?

I have recently been forced to deal with a horrible version of myself. A petty, unfocused, angry side that was scary and probably unpleasant at the least to deal with. I could make excuses and say I was dealing with the grief from Chunky dying, but I could just own up to it and admit that this was not just grief. It was all these things at once and instead of being the bigger person and just dealing with it, I went petty.

I did not like seeing myself like that, but in the present, I was tired, stressed, and selfish.

I tend to become selfish. It’s a trait that has not been good to me or others in my proximity. I realize I am quite spoiled by the people who I’m around most (mother, sister, boyfriend) and that kind of behavior really doesn’t fly with other people. This can be quite limiting for those people I can see without sulking or complaining at especially trying times in the week.

So what did I do when I was faced with the worst version of myself? I gave in. I went with my most selfish instincts and shut down when the time was needed to be a better person than I usually am. I asked the people around me to do my job as a decent friend. I went pretty low.

And here I am copping to it. Why? As a reminder to myself that people around me the most accommodate a lot of my bull on a daily basis so when they need help, I should be there for them and not shirk my duty as a decent human being.
I will be more grateful of the breaks and allowances people allow me to get away with, and be more considerate of others when they need the break.

Next time you need one, let me know? Bulldozer mode, on hold.

The internet is ablaze about a woman laughing for a few minutes while trying on a Chewbacca mask. Already the video, up live on Facebook, has had 120 million+ views. And surprisingly, no negative comments, no one spouting hate. People 100+ million people just wanted to see the joy, a person having fun, not having anything bad to say about something, or spreading any more negativity in the world. Our lives today are so inundated with negativity, or wars and disease, people killing each other, of terrorism and prejudice, that we marvel at the ability of somebody to just.enjoy.the.moment.

I have a friend like that. Her name is Carla, and she is one of the most positive people I know. It’s not hard to get her to laugh. She likes the little things. She randomly texts you if she sees something that reminds her of you. She gets a blissful look on her face after one drink, because she knows that there are more coming with conversations about nothing and everything and that gets her truly and sincerely giddy.

It’s hard finding people that are genuinely optimistic these days, but she is. Her heart, even with its bruises and cracks, is still filled with hope. She’s not the type to spout inspirational messages, but you can tell that she gets inspired. She’s happy with the smell of coffee, or her dog smiling at her from his side of the bed.

That’s one of the reasons I really like having her as a friend. She’s a ray of sunshine, without being too saccharine. We throw dirty jokes around and finish inappropriate statements that would get us into trouble with our conservative friends, but gets the conversation going with the rest of the group. She can find the good side of any person without being too naïve about the reality of the world. She’s seen her share of bad things and have been deliberately hurt by some, but that doesn’t keep her from seeing the opportunities of others.

She puts herself out there, which is hard in itself, and she makes the effort to truly get to know them before deciding if they’re a good fit. She gives them too much chances even, putting her feelings on the line for theirs more often than not.

I marvel at her ability to love and give to others. I see her so tired but still willing to go out if a friend or family asks her to. Maybe it’s being the eldest of five girls, maybe it’s just her, but I’m lucky to count her as a friend.

The world has enough critics, pessimists, enough people like me that have found the cynical edge in every gesture. I hope life never gets to her this way. No matter what she goes through, I hope she still finds the silver lining, because the world needs more of her kind. We all do.

Do you have a friend like her? Do your hardest to keep them. They’re rare, rarer than moonrock in a museum. Rarer than pink diamonds. They are hope, and one should never find themselves without hope.

I remember growing up, my parents (mostly my mom who kept the budget), always made sure we had what we needed. We weren’t (and are still not) rich. We’ve made it by with hard work and practical choices, like picking the sturdier shoe that would last as long as it fit, and grocery editing to “Do you want it or do you need it?” Truly, I was raised to know that function mattered most and when we had extra, we still had to put it aside for emergencies. Being CPAs and having the same job for years, my parents were of the generation of stability, and lived it to the letter. Get a job that pays the bills that will earn you a decent retirement after decades of service. Every choice was made to give us the best life they could provide, all the while looking towards a future we would still need to think of, and preparing for the unknown.
That is to say, my parents still thought of providing the best for us, to what they could afford. My mom, when we were growing up and she was busy with her job, took us to restaurants (and not just cooked at home which my father preferred and was the more practical choice) that were nice. My favorite was Pancake House, where we would get chocolate chip pancakes, tacos, a rootbeer float or a milkshake, and a banana split if we were a group. It wasn’t the fanciest, (or really, the healthiest) but it made for some of my favorite memories.

My father would bring us pizza and ice cream sometimes after a late night and we would eat it post bedtime. It was always Pizza Hut’s Super Supreme and Selecta’s Queso Royale. It was amazing because we would be woken up for junk food and got to laugh with our dad, who at the time would be less uptight because of a fun night of drinking.

For me, because I knew those moments were rare, and that it took time, money and effort to get there. Even if I did hate churros at Dulcinea growing up, I could remember heading out to try it one of those weekends. Until now my favorite pizza is from the Hut, no special crusts, just the same flavor, as the greasy, overfilled pie still brings fun night time memories with my family.

My childhood was 80%  practical and 20% moments like these sprinkled in, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What are your favorite moments from your childhood?

Lately I’ve been thinking about happiness. What makes people happy, what keeps them smiling day to day even through unconquerable pain and suffering, or grit through the small, frustrating things of the MRT always being full, or your hair smelling like fried chicken after a good lunch at a wings place.

Joy. It’s so elusive to so many people, who complain about every little thing and forget about what comes their way.

I know I’m lucky. The two things that make me smile every day can be summed up in the photo below:

Chunky (left) and Chester (right). Our two bunnies that are so weird, but so cute I can’t even stay mad when they chew on the furniture. I’m just happy to have rabbits in my life again, and keeping them healthy is a big priority in my life. It is so difficult to find their main staple, hay, in the Philippines, that I always buy a month’s worth of food each time. Every time I’m at the mall I buy a bag of their treats, rabbit pellets at the pet store. I cut their nails every week, which does not make them happy but keeps them from getting problems. Change their bedding once a day. Get them something green and a tiny bit of fruit to nibble on to keep them happy. They’re spayed and neutered to give them a longer chance in life. My favorite time is vitamin feeding time because they actually run up to me to get it.

Rabbits are not known for being cuddly, even if they look it. Most of them absolutely hate being picked up. They’re even more elusive than cats. Chunky growls and boxes you if you take too long to give her her treat. Chester bites my hand at night if he’s hungry at 2 am and the hay bowl is empty.

Those faces though.

I guess you can say I’ve found two beings I will love for their whole lives. I just hope they live very long ones.