The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain
Lately, I keep catching myself letting out, or gasping for air. I literally keep holding my breath and don’t know why I’m doing it. I still don’t. But it’s now an annoying reaction to a lot of things.
Maybe it’s a reminder to take deeper breaths. Maybe it’s an indication that I’m holding inner tension. All I know is that it’s an inconvenient reaction to things that I’m trying to understand.
-J
Less than a month after we lost Chester, our last dog Backo left us too. He was six and got sick really quickly. It was the first time we had to decide to end a pet’s pain. It happened very quickly, and the vet that helped him go over the rainbow bridge was kind enough to let us do it at home.
I’m grateful. That he didn’t suffer long. That we were able to say goodbye and help him through it. That it went peacefully. That we could afford the choice that didn’t force him through more pain. But for the whole of his existence I felt bad for Baracko. I should, and could have done better for him, but I didn’t.
So now we are a dogless, Chesterless household and now going into a new calendar year, we’re not any closer to being a home good enough for a new pet to be in. And i’m not placing blame unto anyone in particular. I’m hardly a rabbit mom sometimes, the amount of time I’m not home. I know I can only do this because Joannaman loves Peeper as much as I do. And I’m lucky to have that. And I admit I was not that when she needed me to for Oprah. And I will carry that in my conscience for the rest of my days.
So I’m asking the universe to stop challenging me to scar tissue and to please just send me kindness. A gentle breeze instead of the rough winds that have been ripping through my emotional sails.
Please?
Sometimes you just need to remember that when people show you who you are, to believe them the first time (paraphrasing from Maya Angelou).
You can listen to Please Please Please HERE
It was a week.
I think you should listen to Death Cab for Cutie’s I’ll Never Give Up on You instead of reading what I’ve written about another dead pet.
-J
And i find it hard to explain why my heart is broken
For one that couldn’t speak but always listened
Who wasn’t there when I adventured but was there when I was lying down alone crying
Who always understood when I needed a bit more help
Who loved who I loved
And sat with me when I had to say goodbye to them
Your life was too short and mine excruciatingly long
Meet me in the after.
-J
The calmest, most loving rabbit I have ever had, Chester peacefully passed in my arms Saturday night. He had a challenging last three months of his life, vet visits, liver disease, almost a month in total of confinement.
In the end, he gave it his all, and held on until he could, gave us time to say goodbye. He laid down his head and was gone.
He saw us through 10 years of good milestones, and broken hearts. He was our designer item authenticator. He was a vet favorite. He was the best bunny brother for all his bunny sisters. They have now welcomed him over the rainbow bridge, and he can run again. Eat all the basil and banana he can. Flop again.
Thank you Chester for everything, and when it’s my time I hope I’ll see you again. That I’ll deserve your company when I cross.
I love you my buko buks.
Because of lyrics like these —
Two Augusts ago
I told the truth, oh, but you didn’t like it, you went home
You’re in your Benz, I’m by the gate
Now you go alone
Charm all the people you train for, you mean well but aim low
And I’ll make it known like I’m getting paid
That’s just the way life goes
Listen here
-J
