The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain
Because of lyrics like these —
Two Augusts ago
I told the truth, oh, but you didn’t like it, you went home
You’re in your Benz, I’m by the gate
Now you go alone
Charm all the people you train for, you mean well but aim low
And I’ll make it known like I’m getting paid
That’s just the way life goes
Listen here
-J
Status report: MRI day. Trying not to have surgery, but I might need it.
What’s made me happy lately:
1. Chester’s 9th year with us. He has saved my life too many times to count. He has also cost me hundreds of thousands of pesos of damage, because he only chews expensive things. At least he has a sense of humor though. He’s become slow, his fur is less shiny, he’s lost weight, but he’s still my Chester. I can’t imagine a life without him. Here’s hoping I don’t have to find out soon.
2. Hotpot. Our family has a new favorite hotpot place, and I love to see it. We’re very routine people, and barely change our usual places to eat, especially if my dad is involved. A successful intro is almost miraculous because of how hard it is to pull off, but we did this past weekend.
3. Being back in my own space. I’m a little afraid of how much I like my own time, and my own space. Because of how fortunate I am with my work being remote and my family understanding what it means, anyone I see on a regular basis is someone I made an effort to be in the same space with. So when it goes awry, so does my mood. My buns and my friends who still show up may be sick of me, and I keep getting told I should go out more, but it’s so hard to do it. So I’m grateful I can take on Little Mermaid’s Ursula persona and just eat and complain in my own cave.
Songs of the week:
Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey
Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen
Losing Me by Gabrielle Aplin and JP Cooper
Status report: It’s been a week of barely controllable hive breakouts and random outbursts. I have been self medicating with a lot of sweets, sugary drinks, and acupuncture like ear piercings.
However in this rollercoaster of a week there are a few bright spots:
1. Getting more ear piercings. I have realized that earrings are the jewelry i really respond to. Even when we had a jewelry phase, i bought mostly earrings and rings. In the span of 2 months, I have added 4 (one did not work out) active piercings to one ear. I can’t recommend it enough if you have no fear of needles and like teeny jewelry. Just don’t touch your fresh piercing after carrying fresh shrimp from your car to your place.
2. Feeling like a girl again. It takes so much professionals to keep me looking halfway put together on a regular basis, and every single thing is in a different, specialized place. Nails get done in a different city. Hair is only at the guy who’s done it for at least the past 6 years. Brows only at this brow place in this one branch. And so on and so forth. And I still look like i rolled out of bed. You can’t even imagine what this looks like without help from people who know better that i pay for their expertise.
3. The people that show up. Bar none. It was an exceptionally tough week. I waved the flag. People showed up. They saved my life. I am thankful.
Songs of the week:
I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
Under Pressure by Queen
Rescued by The Foo Fighters
Up & Down by The Chainsmokers, 347Aidan
-N
Status report: Hives still keep happening, and my lower back hurts even with regular massages for Tita’s Hedonist Day Out. I need to figure this out.
What made me happy last week:
1. Family time. I don’t see my extended family a lot, especially since the move. This holy week holiday is one of those times we can see each other, be less worried about our day to day. I love sitting with my cousins, uncles and aunts, simply being around them. I don’t contribute a lot, and it seems like sometimes I’m closed off, but it’s just me being overstimulated sometimes. I wish I could be more present or more conversational, but I’m limited. Even more now that I’m used to being in my own space. One thing i know for sure, their presence makes me feel content, happy. The other things, I will work on so they enjoy my presence as much as I do theirs.
2. Puppy time. There are two litters of puppies we got to hang out with this weekend. Six shih tzus, and two belgian malinois ones. I missed puppies since we haven’t had puppies in years, and these ones are pretty dang cute. They’re all spoken for, and are going to good, caring homes. I’m glad I got to meet them and got some puppy kisses.
3. A friend going through the same journey. My health issues as of the late aren’t a secret. High blood pressure on top of my previously identified issues is the cherry on top of an already difficult health status is a hell of a thing to go through. I’ve been quite lucky to have family that’s extra supportive. Driving me to appointments, checking in. I can’t ask for anything more really. However I do have a friend that has been incredibly supportive, and is going through it as well. It has made all the work I have to do much less burdensome.
Songs of the week:
Tokyo Drift by the Teriyaki Boyz
Talking to Myself by Lauv
Work Song by Hozier
-J
Status report: BP monitor broke and I couldn’t get readings for 3 days, which coincided with a migraine that would not quit for 2. I must’ve had 4 coffees and 3 advils a day to try and address it, but the drugs and caffeine wouldn’t work. Recent theory, too much heat.
My happy things:
1. This moment from Fleabag. In as much as this was a pretty messed up pairing in theory, the chemistry, the connection, all the things that led to this bittersweet moment, it just, makes the emo teenager in me come alive. Especially the line “When you find somebody you love, it feels like hope.”, in this incredibly hellish simulation of modern life, hope feels preposterous.
2. Two amazing restaurants in a week. One family favorite, and one we tried once and have always wanted to get back to. It’s very difficult to get our dad to try anything, or really, deviate from the 5 restaurants he picks from on a regular basis. This can get frustratingly challenging sometimes, especially for birthdays that are not his. However, we were able to get to places this past week that he didn’t hate. Wins in themselves. But also, meals that I don’t have to think about that just go well? Great.
3. Phone calls. See, most of my phone calls are things I have to attend for work. Some were incredibly tense last week, but I did get on non tense, just refreshingly honest ones with friends last week. When people you love are 11000++ kilometers away, this is one of the few options to be there for each other. Unless you want to spend several thousand dollars and 14 hours in a plane. Which, I may still do eventually this year. I just have to figure it out. At a minimum, 5 states, 11 cities to see everyone i Iove, with a hell of a lot of planning and money burning. For now, facetimes and commiserating. Discussing big things, or nonsensical ones. Just being in the same “space” for a while. It helps a lot.
Songs of the week:
So Good Right Now by Fall Out Boy
Talking to Myself by Lauv
Girl Be Mine by Francis M
-J
Status report: BP so high I was a stroke risk, daily hives, migraine immediately at hour 13 of no caffeine. However! Gave up coca cola and baked desserts for Lent. Wish me luck.
Because of the ~fragility~ of life and me feeling every single one of my 36 years on earth lately, I will be putting more emphasis on the little things that make me happy. Because life is too fucking short not to.
Happy things since I last documented:
1. Isabel’s Meal plans. Planning food for one is tough. I make things for a minimum of 5 people. Groceries are expensive as hell right now. I have zero prep time because of everything else that needs fixing. I have done meal deliveries in different shapes and forms, and my favorites so far are Isabel’s, and also The Six Pack Chef. I am not dieting per se. I am rewiring my tendency to go for the fastest, greasiest thing (I love Jin Ramen’s mild with egg, sesame oil, and some milk in it) to something more nutritious on a regular basis. I actually think it’s working because I need muc less salt in things, and look for the leaf crunch a lot. It’s not cheap, but it’s cheaper than lipo (joking. For now.)
2. Mango season. The Philippine mango, in all bias, is amazing. I would eat it everyday if it wasn’t so expensive. While it grows the whole year, it’s in season the first quarter, which means more consistent sweetness, cheaper. It’s also Indian mango season and our tree produces the sweetest ones I’ve had. I literally can make it into shakes if I wanted to.
3. Getting things done. It’s been rough trying to get all these adult requirements (government registrations, payments and the like) the past few weeks, but it’s slowly getting done. Can it be easier? F yes. Will it? We’ll see. But for now, the dopamine hit of checking something off the list will have to do. Slow and steady. One thing at a frigging time.
Songs that defined this time:
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours by Stevie Wonder
Found a Reason by Smle
This is How I Learn How to Say No by Emeline
What made you happy lately? -J
Status update: Migraines and insomnia. Advil close to running out, and Tylenol has stopped working for headaches. Is the insomnia causing the migraines or are the migraines causing the insomnia?
Life is short moments of the week:
1. Chipped teeth getting fixed. Teeth are expensive, and now even more so. I broke two front teeth and was semi-hillbilly like for a day. It was nice seeing the dentist I’ve seen since I was in the single digits. Couple decades later and we’ve seen her get married, have two kids, and now have one graduate college.
2. Routine checkups turning into health scares. Mom is great about regular checkups, dad not so much. She took him with her on a routine checkup that turned very scary for a couple days. Thankfully it was handled (not by me, but people who are actually awake and around when doctors are on), but here’s crossing all fingers and toes that it resolves soon. I haven’t seen my doctors since the pandemic started, but I hope it’s not terrible. (i know i know. I’ll figure it out)
3. Seeing family. Family time is amazing and is a great way to reset. We had to go home for Ninang’s 40 days, and to finally clean out Nanay’s things. As a grandkid that didn’t grow up with her and having limited shared memories, I was very thankful to have an opportunity to reminisce. Also to take some of her things home. I’m literally going to be rocking some grandma style soon and I can’t wait.
Song of the week: Hold my Hand by Jess Glynne
-J
Status report: 6 bad migraine days out of 7, but successfully refilled with – full box of of ibuprofen. If only I was wrecking my liver with more fun things.
1. Dad’s birthday. Excessive amounts of food and snark, even if I had to sleep early for work. I love birthdays and making a big deal out of them. My dad is no such person for it — secretly he likes the celebrations though.
2. Losing a colleague. I hate that this is the second in 4 months. I hate that it was so sudden. I hate that he had so much potential and that the team had so much plans for him. I hate that his family is suffering. I hate losing people and seeing people suffer. No more deaths at work. Please.
What a week. Hug your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Life is short.
Song of the week: Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
-J
1. The beginning of independence. Sounds ridiculous for someone who’s 35 years old, but also in a very traditional, conservative country and family. I am being vague on purpose, but independence means a lot to me — especially what it took to get there.
2. Great support. I have leaned on a lot of people, and continue to lean on still. It still takes a village to survive this (gestures at everything), and I’m glad my tribe is solid.
3. The healing power of music. I’ve tossed, turned, had incredibly vivid sad dreams this week, and when I get up — the only people awake are across the world and are hard to hug. Solution? Music. I’ve listened to bass drops and classical symphonies, and Disney to get my headspace a little out of funk, and it’s helped a ton.
Song of the week: Eleanor Rigby, rearranged by Cody Fry with an 80 piece orchestra and 400 person choir. I have been a puddle on the floor, especially with these lyrics:
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
I’ve found my new funeral song.
What are you grateful for?
Anyone who’s met me knows I am a crazy rabbit lady (my friend Marian Jo has mocked up collages even) but this is a whole different thing. I have been working by myself a lot, and when you work nights, the times are even quieter, and even though I use a friend’s music around 60% of the time while working, when I need to fill the quiet, I listen to songs I can sing to.
I have been listening to Florence and the Machine’s Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) lately. The lyrics are apt for a lot of things I’ve been thinking about:
Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I’ve made the final sacrifice
We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up
This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Life is so different since March that who knows what things really mean anymore. I just know that I will keep listening to songs, I will keep singing at the top of my lungs, and I will fill my days with melodies that help my soul along. (Instead of the past few of food and drinking, but suffice to say I’m still going to use those some days).
You can listen to the song here
So are you the lamb or the knife?
